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Author: Subject: Finding Strength in GOd
onks31
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[*] posted on 5-4-17 at 07:00 AM
Finding Strength in GOd


Hey Everybody,

It has been a very long time (over a year and a half) since anybody has posted on this board. I am sure that many of the original posters no longer use this site, but that's OK. I wanted to share a few thoughts and hopefully somebody will read them and get the help they need.

I have been through the 12 steps of recovery program with the LDS church a few times now at this point in my life. I am in my late twenties and happily married to the woman of my dreams. She is my biggest support and i would definitely be lost in my addiction without her.

With that said i usually don't tell her, or really many people about the details of my addiction. In all honesty, it is between myself and my Savior. He is the one who has to forgive me, not my church leader. He is the one who died for my sins and has the power to heal my heart. I tell my Bishop that i am being tempted, or that i have had close calls or near relapses or even relapses when they come in thier ugliest forms, however i dont have daily accountability with him because i dont feel like that is necessary for my situation.

Despite my views on this, i know i need to tell the details to somebody, that is why i am here on this site. I want to be able to say everything for what it is and see that i am not alone in my justifications and struggles, and also that i am helping others.

Through all my struggles with porn i have always sought forgiveness. Because God loves me unconditionally, he has always granted forgiveness. However, i have always had a hard time forgiving myself. Perhaps this is the reason i still have recovery to do?

I would like to hear about peoples personal stories with forgiving themselves. I think i could use any tips honestly. If i dont get any responses i will understand, i dont mean to be nosey. Also i am aware that maybe nobody really reads some of these different pages anymore, i suppose this is my attempt to get the religious one going again because in my case God has been the #1 supporter and he deserves all the credit.

Cheers,

:roll




Onks
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MrBadger
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[*] posted on 6-4-17 at 08:33 PM


Yes, forgiving one's self is probably the hardest part of all. In fact, I'm as powerless to do that as I am to overcome the addiction on my own. For me, it turns out that I need to turn to my Higher Power / God for help with forgiving myself as well. And S/He seems to say to me, "If I forgive you, who are you to be harder on you than I am?" In the end, it seems to me that I have a hard hard time letting go of my old picture of God as this ogre up there waiting to zap me on the least pretense. Instead, I now see God as on my side, having my back, my Brother/Sister, Friend, Mentor, Counselor... But my lizard brain :) has a hard time accepting that and still feels that God is going to zap me if I don't measure up. Trust builds slowly, even when it's God one is learning to trust.



God loves me right here, right now, just the way I am. God's love is unlimited and unconditional. There is nothing I can do so good that it would make God love me more. Nor is there anything I can do so bad that it would make God love me less.

Motto: Quis sim scio. Scio quid faciam.
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NewLeaseOnLife
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[*] posted on 7-4-17 at 05:57 PM


I think the greatest thing we can do is work diligently on our recovery and make a 100% effort using all the God giving resources, help, and powerful support we can find. It's very easy to wallow in that guilt and remorse, yet we repeat the same actions that caused in the first place (usually porning, acting out and slippin up). The brothers I have seen at the groups that seem to have the most peace and serenity are the ones who have tagged that long term sobriety and are now helping others. You can tell they are not stricken with guilt and remorse anymore but have found a new freedom and a new happiness. They do not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it. They have come to know peace. And they begin to see how their experiences can even benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity dissapears. They see that God is doing for them what they could never do for themselves. These are all actual promises that get read at the groups and they will come true for those that work for them. Some of them suddenly and some more gradual. But they do come true for those that work for them. So for me it's all proactive. God has given a way OUT of this mess of a life we made or the mess inside of ourselves. The way of spirituality and true connection with The Almighty is very possible. But we have to have a clear channel to receive His grace, power, love, forgiveness, and motivation to stay sober and change. You just have to plug into that awesome power and work the principles that have worked for other addicts. It's not just a sin thing for us, we use that damn lust and porn as an escape and a buffer for those difficult friggin emotions and hard issues of life. That's why it takes courage to change and be open for a new course. Follow that one and you will win for sure! :thumbup
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onks31
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[*] posted on 10-4-17 at 06:55 AM


I like what both of you said.

Trust certainly does build slow, especially with God because we cannot use our physical senses to understand him, we have to use our spiritual senses which often times need some focus. I personally typically don't struggle to recognize that God loves me, but i do struggle to remember that the atonement of Jesus Christ is infinite and eternal. When i put this into perspective i know this means that i can receive forgiveness for anything, but when i try to apply this i try to put limits on it with my "lizard brain."

For example, i am taught God loves everybody, and often times i can believe that with a whole heart, but sometimes i try to convince myself that God loves some of his children more than others. For example, how could he love a murderer as much as he loves me? While i always tell myself he does love all his children all the same, i think sometimes i don't take the time to really consider that love, and i allow myself to not really consider the question in depth.

Than of course we have the flip side to that where i try to justify my actions because God loves me unconditionally. When this happens i would justify looking at porn because it doesn't matter what I do, God will always love me. Well, this too is not the correct way to go about it.

So Satan definitely knows how to work me over, its worked on me so many times. Before the relapse i justify it because God will love me no matter what, and after the relapse he wants me to feel so terrible that God no longer loves me. When i write it out and think it out it really makes no sense lol. I cannot believe i fell for it so many times.

As far as helping others goes, i do think that that truly is the most important thing. I often think how my life would be different if i never found that magazine on the street when i was about 10. I never stop to consider that reality, that eventually porn would presented itself to me and i probably would have done the same thing because i was a curious kid. There is nothing wrong with being a curious kid, there is a problem with addictive behavior though, and there is a problem with looking at myself as if i were a victim. Taking on responsibility is a hard thing to do. I tend to look at my past and wish it were different. What is hard for me to do, and what i need to do, is accept my past for what it is, and recognize my ability at this point to be a light in the life of so many others. I can now empathize with others in ways i never could before. i can give advice, i can love more unconditionally, and i can use this knowledge for good. This is all very hard to do consistently because i associate lots of pain with my addiction so my brain automatically wants to run in the other direction. I will definitely need some reconditioning.




Onks
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