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olympus
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![[*]](./images/engage/default_icon.gif) posted on 13-7-10 at 10:04 AM |
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Day 10:
Thank you for sharing your experience. I too have noticed that I will get sucked into internet P in order to "just take a peek". Then one thing leads
to another, and there goes five hours.
I have taken up some new hobbies and interests. I have also realized that some of the stress I have is self induced. I have created goals and plans
that are far too elaborate and that could never be accomplished by a single person. I'm working much better on smaller accomplishments that are
reasonable.
Thanks again for sharing your feelings.
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olympus
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| posted on 15-7-10 at 09:20 AM |
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Day 12:
Still moving strong and becoming more aware.
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olympus
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| posted on 19-7-10 at 07:20 PM |
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Day 16:
Feeling great and hopeful. Taking lots of steps to be conscious of my feelings, urges, and behavior.
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MrBadger
Power Poster
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Location: Oregon
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| posted on 20-7-10 at 10:53 AM |
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Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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olympus
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| posted on 22-7-10 at 10:50 AM |
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Day 19:
Have been staying very (very!) busy. One thing I have been doing when thoughts of women and sex come to my mind is I mentally work through it,
identifying the urge and calling it out (so to speak).
In a very small way, I think this is helping me manage the thoughts better. I'm also glad that I'm coming here to post, but not on a regular basis. I
think that in times past I keep focused on the addiction very strong at first, and then loose touch after a while when things get too busy. But
starting off simple like this seems to help because I'm monitoring my progress without it being overwhelming.
I've had no major slips or problems 19 days in. Feeling very good, while acknowledging that I have a long way to go.
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olympus
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| posted on 23-7-10 at 02:59 PM |
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Day 0:
I come to you today, my brothers, with some bad news, and some angry news.
The bad news is that as of last night I fell of the wagon, getting myself deeply involved for a number of hours with some online chatting and the
like. I was up late, wasted my time, got sick of it, and went to bed.
Then comes today. All day long I was hoping that I could put last night behind me. I didn't act out last night, although I came close. Today, however,
was sickening. I wasted tons of time doing the same stuff, searching after a cheap thrill. I kept stopping myself and walking away from it all day
long, getting so disgusted at times that I couldn't even go through with it. Eventually, about 30 minutes ago, I acted out. I'll spare you the
details.
I don't know what is happening to me, but while I was going through all of this I became more disgusted and angry than I ever have been. I felt no
connection to the images I was trying to use as a stimulant, and felt like the whole things was terribly forced. I "had" to do this, even though
everything in my intellect told me not to.
I have never been as angry about porn, masturbation, chatting, cams, internet, computer as I am now. Almost immediately after acting out I was angry.
Yet this is a feeling I have never felt before. Usually after such a relapse I am sad, depressed, ashamed. While those feelings are there, right now I
am just fuming with anger. I hate those images. I hate what they do to women. I hate what they tempt me to do. I find them repulsive. In some respects
I almost feel that I acted out just so I didn't have to look at those images anymore, they were making me sick. It was so forced.
This isn't some fake kind of anger. I really feel this. I am mad as all hell. I've never felt this way before. I think some of this has to do with the
exercises and thoughts I've been working on over the last 20 days, thinking about my thoughts, about the proper role of sex and intimacy. While I
relapsed into this bodily urge, everything else in my being told me that I wanted to have no part of this.
I know some of this is rambling. But I am very surprised at how I feel right now. In some respects, this relapse has almost motivated me more (i can't
explain it, but it just has). The disgust has wanted me to work harder against this behavior.
Typically I would hide a relapse. Stop posting here, keep to myself, wallow in self pity, etc. Not this time. My almost immediate response to this
event was to come here and spill out my feelings. I was so angry at myself for screwing up my 20 days clean. I'm still angry.
I don't know what my next move is. I've got to go calm down a bit. Sorry for being repetitive and ranting. I've never felt this way before.
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olympus
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| posted on 23-7-10 at 04:06 PM |
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Wow.
So I thought I was going a little crazy. I didn't eat any food today, and was totally out of it. About 30 minutes ago I was standing up, was going to
do an exercise. I completely passed out. I woke up upside down underneath a desk in my office, bruises on my arms, having no idea what happened.
Finally ate some dinner and I feel better. I'm really on edge. Got to relax.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 23-7-10 at 11:17 PM |
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Sounds like you need some support, a group, a sponsor, maybe a counselor?
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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olympus
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| posted on 24-7-10 at 08:24 AM |
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I think your right MrBadger. Thanks.
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olympus
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| posted on 25-7-10 at 08:22 PM |
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Day 2:
Had a very good two days, stayed busy. Still keeping introspective regarding my problem, working through my thoughts, past behavior and challenges.
This week is shaping up to be a very busy one.
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olympus
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| posted on 26-7-10 at 07:39 PM |
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Day 3:
Today I was very active. Lots to do throughout the week. Glad to spend another day sober.
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olympus
Junior Member
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| posted on 27-7-10 at 02:28 PM |
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Day 4:
Today I was browsing back through my journal. I realized that there have been two times since I joined this message board that I have made it beyond
60 days clean. Add the twenty days clean I have just fudged up on and that is over four months of away from p.
I understand the past is the past, but realizing that I have actually gone for considerable periods of time without acting out is encouraging. I
hadn't realized what I have accomplished in the past.
One addition thing to consider. Typically after a relapse the tendency is to lock myself away and not mention what I had done in my journal. I'm never
doing that again. While I am positive that I will stay away from p in the short run, I need to be open about my failures instead of hiding them.
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olympus
Junior Member
Posts: 171
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| posted on 29-7-10 at 08:40 PM |
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Day 6:
Tomorrow I will be pushing one week.
In line with the comments in my last post I wanted to mention how uplifted I was when considering the efforts I have made since joining this site.
Yes, I have had a good many rough spots. However, I did not realize how far I had really come in such a short period of time.
I've been on this board around 18 months or so. During this time, I have posted regarding my efforts to abstain from P. The total amount of time clean
that I have recorded over the past 18 months is about 166 days, which means that a good five and a half months out of the last year and a half were p
free. I should also add that while my compulsive p use is a problem, it is not a constant problem for me. There are sometimes weeks (possibly months)
that I have gone without it, however, I did not track those times.
I'm not trying to make light of my problem. Instead, I simply wanted to point out some of the positive things I have seen in myself over the past year
and a half. FWIW, I really do feel like I am climbing out of this problem. Long before I posted on this site things were much worse (much!) for me. I
used p compulsively about every day, wasted countless hours, and was downright obsessive. Over the past year especially things have ended up being
more about episodes lasting a few hours, every few weeks or months.
Again, I'm not trying to make light. I just think that some perspective on my situation is giving me a bit of hope and motivation to push on.
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olympus
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| posted on 30-7-10 at 11:22 AM |
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Day 7:
Finally great to break through one week strong. Here's to another 24.
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olympus
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| posted on 31-7-10 at 05:46 AM |
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Day 8:
Another day moving forward.
In order to remind myself of the negative consequences of p in my life, I think that each day I'll comment regarding some of the consequences my p use
has had on me.
Today I was thinking about how p changes my behavior. Specifically, how it encourages me to remain isolated from friends and family.
The very act of hiding myself away for hours on end to engage in p has kept me from enjoying many things, even simple things. I would sometimes skip
fun activities with those I love, saying "I have work to do", in order to get the opportunity to be alone with p. This has especially occurred during
the last few episodes I had.
While I have taken time to reflect on this often, I can be a harsh thing to think about. We only get this life once, and yet I'm focused on being
alone, away from those I love most. How could I want to be with a set of digital images more than my family? It saddens me to think of the time wasted
and opportunities lost while exploring my own selfish desires.
Continued p use for me means less time for the more important things in life. It means more late nights, less sleep, and feeling disgusted about lost
chances and opportunities.
Enough for today, time to get living 
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MrBadger
Power Poster
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| posted on 31-7-10 at 09:03 AM |
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I get in trouble when I focus on the negative. In driving, you tend to "steer where you look." Maybe it is important to acknowledge the negative, but
I need to end with the positive - "This is what my life will look like as I become a loving person." Just a thought.
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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olympus
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| posted on 31-7-10 at 09:57 PM |
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Just to clarify, I've been working through the exercises found in the book "the porn trap", and this is one of the first steps (followed by
identifying 'what matters', then 'facing fears', 'take responsibility'). I think the work i have done the past month has actually kept me from sinking
even further after this last fall.
Right now I'm working through exactly why p is a problem, what is causes, what it ruins. I'm just taking it slow, working through my thoughts and
getting them out there. I think at this stage, reminding myself of the negative consequences I want to avoid have been a real motivation. Of course
there are positives too . I think I like working on something different each day.
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olympus
Junior Member
Posts: 171
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| posted on 2-8-10 at 07:38 PM |
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Day 10:
Didn't even come close to using a computer yesterday. Very busy today as well. Positive and looking forwards.
As an exercise, throughout the day I work through my thoughts, think them through, and meditate intently on why I specifically want to quit the
secretive and unsettling world of p watching, acting out, ect.
For the first time in a long time I can really say that for a number of reasons I am feeling confident in my decision to walk away from p. During
other points there was a sadness inside of me, something saying "but you will be missing .....". That just isn't there right now. Every time the idea
of P comes to my mind I almost immediately react with disgust, just like I experienced after my last relapse. I really don't want that life anymore.
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olympus
Junior Member
Posts: 171
Registered: 12-2-09
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Mood: Optimistic & determined
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| posted on 3-8-10 at 03:02 PM |
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Day 11:
Another busy day. The less I get involved in p, the more I accomplish. It is a very rewarding thing. Physical activity can never be overrated
Onward to another successful 24.
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olympus
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| posted on 4-8-10 at 04:55 PM |
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Day 12:
Another successful 24. Things are looking up. Here's to another day free of p.
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olympus
Junior Member
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| posted on 7-8-10 at 01:19 PM |
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Day 15:
I hadn't realized that I've missed posting in a few days.
I'm still clean, working towards a p free life. Here's to another 24.
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olympus
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| posted on 11-8-10 at 09:13 PM |
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Day 19:
I've been meaning to stop by sooner, but have not had the time. I've been working a good bit and have been rather exhausted.
Nevertheless, my efforts to remain p free are going well. I have finally matched my last effort of 19 days.
I can honestly say that over the last few weeks I have not had a single moment where I allow myself to indulge in some sort of p related fantasy. For
me, I believe the problems always begin with thoughts, thinking about the excitement and thrill I can get by going back to p.
I have developed a simple exercise I use when the possibility of using p comes to my mind. I think about the effects of p, how it makes me feel
terrible after I use it, and the negative consequences. I also take a moment to think about how happier and more productive I am without it. So far,
this exercise has diffused any desires for p that I have. I have been able to move along with my activities without incident or relapse.
Feeling good, looking forward to the road ahead.
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fuji.apple
Registered
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| posted on 11-8-10 at 11:28 PM |
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hey olympus
i've just read through your whole journal (the whole 6 pages) and just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story.
it seems like you've been on quite the roller coaster with your recovery
good luck with the road ahead
fuji.apple
P Free Since N/A
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olympus
Junior Member
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| posted on 13-8-10 at 01:31 AM |
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Day 21:
Thanks for your comments fuji.apple. I mainly post for myself (of course!), but am glad somebody else has found my thoughts interesting to read.
During the past day I've taken on a bit of stress. Typically I turn to p in such situations, but I am holding strong against those urges. My system of
focusing on consequences, actions, and personal accomplishment has really helped.
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olympus
Junior Member
Posts: 171
Registered: 12-2-09
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| posted on 14-8-10 at 09:19 PM |
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Day 22:
Had a minor temptation to 'sneak a peak' at p yesterday, but moved past it quickly. Today I was active, alert, and p free.
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