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Al Sevo
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Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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![[*]](./images/engage/default_icon.gif) posted on 8-11-09 at 11:53 AM |
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My Journal towards Freedom
I have a secret problem with porn. About five people in my regular life know about it--a female friend, a college friend, another friend from the
city, and my two spiritual mentors. I've gone to SAA meetings here and there and have been talking on the phone with a guy who's acting as my
unofficial sponsor. He gave me the number for a psychologist who I'm going to see for the first time this week, so hopefully I can start to get this
under control before I totally drown in this new job I've had for two months. (I certainly feel like I've dug myself a hole, put my foot in my mouth
too many times, failed to take initiative, and gotten off on the wrong foot with the two people I have to work with everyday, so I'm anxious to beat
this thing, so it doesn't beat me. When I feel like I'm letting myself or other's down at work, I just want to run off after work and binge on this
compulsion.)
My first exposure to porn came in my early teens at a friend's 12th birthday party. We all slept over at his house and stayed up all night. At some
point in the late night, after his parents were asleep, we stumbled onto something on cable TV and that was that. Maybe I was set up to have a
weakness for this stuff from the repulsion-attraction to sex/nudity being such a taboo thing in the Catholic church I grew up in (as I perceive it).
It doesn't really matter, I suppose, because here we are. You can blame whoever you want for however long you want and it doesn't make a damn
difference. Either you start to change your choices and get yourself right or you don't.
I hope that having a journal on this forum will help me to stay honest and somehow accountable. In the end, I know it is up to me. If I am not
determined to break out of this compulsion, no one else can do it for me.
This is my 9th day sober, through no strength of my own! I nearly slipped on Wednesday and Thursday nights as I stayed up all night trying to catch
up on missed deadlines with work. On both nights, somewhere around 2-3am, I ended up indulging about a half-hour of suggestive video clips that had
no nudity, but definitely had me tempted. Luckily, I had too much to do and was very aware of this, plus I was working on someone else's laptop and
was too afraid of leaving traces and or using their laptop for something other than the stated purpose I'd asked to use it for.
Last night I wasted about an hour or more on my own laptop, which came back from the repair shop (it had been dead since the summer and I
procrastinated on taking it anywhere until a week ago due to money issues, etc.) trying to torture myself in a similar way. Interestingly enough, a
blocking program that I had unsubscribed to and uninstalled somehow ended up being reactivated and functional on the computer after it came back from
the shop! So that prevented me from falling completely.
Funny how those things work.
My previous best run at sobriety was six months. This coincided with the death of my previous laptop (a used thing I got for free). I also committed
myself to not mbing. Also, I had to get myself right for entrance into a spiritual community. I had been told that I had to stop abusing myself and
give up "smoking" (that was the euphemism that was used so I wouldn't be embarrassed in front of others, but I knew exactly what was being said!). It
went well for those six months until I went to an internet cafe and logged on, only to have a porn site pop up in the window that the previous
customer had left up. I guess that was the opening the compulsion needed. Whatever is the issue behind the addiction, I guess I still hadn't dealt
with yet, otherwise it wouldn't have come back. I guess I needed to do something else to reprogram my brain and uproot those triggers to bad
behavior.
It's been a yo-yo since then, with my best sober run being 20 days or so. I've been keeping track of the days that I have fallen off and it tends
to be on the weekends or in the middle of the work week or very late at night when I'm tired and stressed but am neither getting done what I need to
nor sleeping as I should.
Let's hope this time the sobriety is for good. If I can keep myself honest and straight between now and my appointment with the therapist (and
from the appointment to at least the morning after), that will help out.
Best to all.
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Mark
Senior Member
Posts: 329
Registered: 8-10-09
Location: London, UK
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| posted on 8-11-09 at 12:15 PM |
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Welcome Al Sevo and all the best with the changes you wish to make. 
There are lots of good resources on the site, and I'm delighted that like me you are starting to go to 12 step meetings.
I find that if I'm tempted to use internet porn that if I visit this site and read some of the posts it reminds me of why it is so important for me ot
stay sober, and I don't go to the porn sites.
Changing one day at a time
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 22-11-09 at 09:34 PM |
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I'm starting over all over again. Again. Day 1 begins at midnight. At some point I pray I'll be fed up with the self-sabotage that this compulsive
porn thing is a symptom of.
I've seen a therapist twice and think that some real good could come from it. Unfortunately, our schedules don't quite match up right now. We'll see
what we can make work. If need be, I'll just have to see if he can refer me to someone else with a more open/flexible schedule.
I think so much of what my bullshit is is that I feel like I don't deserve to be successful. Or happy.
It doesn't really matter if I deserve it or not, though, does it. Downing myself hasn't gotten me anywhere.
I lie to myself to hurt myself more with this porn compulsion and I hate that, the liar aspect of the behavior cycle.
I really do need to go one day at a time.
I've got the porn game over book downloaded on the computer. I have this site to go to, and a couple of others. I've at least met a therapist and,
if it's not in the cards to keep working with him, I'm sure he could refer me to someone just as good. Hell, I've got a hypnosis mp3 to help fight
this compulsion.
Hell, I even feel that I've been sent, on multiple occasions, too many to be a coincidence, phone calls and chance encounters with people who care
about me at just the moment when I'm about to fall back into this bad behavior. I recognize these calls and run-ins as messages sent--openings:
reminders from some spirit or force that I've got a choice, an "out", if I choose to take it. I've just been, generally, lousy at choosing it and
have bullheadedly run back into misbehavior despite the messages. I'm afraid that what ever this force is that has sent me these people right at the
intersection of time and choice where I am either going to fall/binge/feed the compulsion or walk away from the urge to act out, will give up on me
and stop sending these folks my way.
I've got all this help and intervention on my behalf, so what is it I'm missing,exactly?
I pray for strength of character and an honest heart.
I pray to care more about others than I do about selfish, addictive bullshit.
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Blue River
Super Administrator
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Location: Australia
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Mood: Meandering
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| posted on 23-11-09 at 06:12 AM |
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Hi Al, welcome to PAI. This is a good place to talk about how your recovery efforts are going and get some support.
Sounds like your heart is in the right place, and you are keen to get some control back in your life. Six months sobriety is a great effort and you
should take some comfort in that, although I am sorry to hear about your recent slip. It's a cunning, baffling and powerful disease.
Are you going to meetings regularly, or is it still haphazard? I find the meetings have been important to me, and more powerful than the meetings is
working the Steps. As scary as it is, working through the Steps and really looking at myself has been really uplifting and humbling. A good kind of
humbling without shame, and without guilt.
Keep posting and keep working on your recovery - it doesn't come easy, but it's where you want to go.
Blue River
Happiness, wisdom and peace are always inside us - we just have to sit still long enough to notice.
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Al Sevo
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Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 23-11-09 at 08:38 PM |
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Going to meetings have been haphazard. It's like I'm willfully out to prove I'm beyond help, which is irrational to the extreme. Like I'm trying to
get caught, so there'll be relief. Then, there's the other part of me that wants to conquer this thing before anybody knows so that if I admit I had
a problem it's from a place of strength, on my own terms. That sounds weird and contradictory, somehow, but there it is.
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 23-11-09 at 08:38 PM |
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Thanks for the encouragement, Blue River. It's helpful.
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 24-11-09 at 04:47 AM |
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Yet another Day 1. That's okay. It is what it is. I've got lots of work to do today, so that will help. I plan to make sure I stay around people
for the holiday on Thursday, even if I'm not able to go see family. That will be helpful. If I can find a meeting to go to on Thanksgiving (SAA,
etc.) somewhere here in NYC, that would go along way. That's still two days away, though.
Time to handle today.
Here we go.
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LemmingLord
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| posted on 24-11-09 at 05:51 AM |
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Thank you for being so open about your recovery. I'm new here too and sharing experiences, successes and failures, is probably one of those things
that's going to keep us filled with hope. Falling off the wagon is much easier for me too when there isn't anyone around. Finding people to be with
on Thanksgiving does sound like a really good idea.
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TimM
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Location: Rural Midwest, USA
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| posted on 24-11-09 at 08:15 AM |
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There are even meetings here. There are bound to be some there. You can always go to an open AA meeting if you can't find anything else.
Tim M.
"We try, and we try, and we fail; and then we go deeper." -Suzuki Roshi
"In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion." -Machig Labdrön
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Al Sevo
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Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 25-11-09 at 06:23 PM |
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Thanks, Tim and Lemming Lord. I've made it to Thanksgiving. At 10:10pm it will have been 48 hours. I'll be doing Thanksgiving with some friends
tomorrow during the day. I feel okay today.
Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 26-11-09 at 11:45 AM |
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Got my days all twisted up. lt was 24 hours, not 48 at 10:10pm. My cellphone alarm went off during the movie I went to isee with friends. I was
embarrassed for the three seconds it took to turn it off (I'm never that annoying cellphone guy). When I remembered what the alarm was for, though, I
felt pretty good. Now, it's Thanksgiving. Not getting ahead of myself, just shooting to make it to the *real* 48 mark tonight.
i guess this reminds me of the multiple times that I have anticipated day goal marks on my phone only to fall way short and have to change those goal
marks on the phone. I've got a goal mark for getting through the first five days and then getting to day 14 now. That's it. Marking any anticipated
milestones beyond that seems not helpful at this point. With the number of times I've fallen, I don't want it to be a negative reinforcer/ reminder
of failure to set those days on the phone calendar.
I'm still aware how I try to *tease* myself and have done so this morning, even--doing a web search for certain p*** and then saying, I won't click on
any of the search results. (This habit is self-torture that tempts and taunts me to f*** up.) The other way I tease my addiction with web searches
is to search for videos that are NOT p***, but are suggestive of sex. Sometimes, of course, these things are promos for actual porn and will give web
addresses within the clips--so again, this habit becomes a way for me to taunt/torture/tease myself. i put myself in danger's way in this manner and
it's stupid.
I've got a couple of hours before I have to be at someone's place for Thanksgiving. I've made myself responsible for either wine or a dessert, so I
really need to clean up and get out to the grocery store and do what I need to. It's a good thing I have this to do, so I will be away from the
computer and away from taunting and tempting myself out of a day's sobriety.
I suppose it's good that I came to post here as well. Maybe I can make this the thing I do instead of taunting myself with risky web searches.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
I'm thankful to be okay so far today.b
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Al Sevo
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Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 29-11-09 at 12:41 PM |
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I have been binging again, and I know it's no good.
I have started to write down a record of all of my slips, the days they happen, the times of day, as best I can, how long they lasted. Where
applicable, I will write down the money it has cost me.
I went to SAA yesterday. Immediately afterwards, I got two hours of work done at a coffee shop and felt pretty good. Then, I went down a street
where there used to be an internet cafe where I have acted out. Not too far from there, there was a massage parlor and I acted out. I felt like a
fake and a liar because on the one hand I went to a meeting and then had an amount of productiveness, then I undermined all that just a few hours
later and blew money that could have stayed in saving or gone to pay bills or get actual necessaries.
I meant to go to a late night SCA meeting after my acting out happened (how messed up is that? sandwich the acting out between two support groups) I
had the room and floor numbers wrong, it turns out, and never found the meeting. Instead, I ended up going back home and triggering myself off of
something fairly mild in the background of a music video online. Of course, I think that wouldn't have triggered me had I not already tempted,
triggered and then acted out on some bullshit earlier in the night.
I've been acting out this afternoon, too and am angry with it. I have a web filter that, unfortunately, I have the password to, so I find myself
undermining my progress by resetting the filter to allow acting out. This truly is effed up, right? I had another filter that I could not turn off
on my computer before, but the addict got angry at being thwarted and cancelled the subscription to it.
It's totally insane.
I have a part of me that lies a lot to myself and wants this addiction. I need to stop feeding it, to starve it.
I need to believe that I deserve to have a better life than this, that I'm capable and deserving of success away from this bullshit.
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Al Sevo
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Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 29-11-09 at 09:33 PM |
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Went to an SAA meeting tonight. Amazing to see how many people were there. I guess everyone is doing there end of Thanksgiving Day Weekend
debriefing/recommitment. I have therapy tomorrow and too much to do before then for work. I just want to get enough done to make it through the day
at this point.
I know my procrastination feeds the anxiety that leads me down the road of acting out, so getting a handle on that is a big priority.
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Yip
Senior Member
Posts: 339
Registered: 23-7-09
Location: Ireland
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Mood: hopeful
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| posted on 30-11-09 at 06:09 AM |
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Al, I'm reading about your struggles and I can relate.
You show great insight - I particularly like when you say "a part of me ... lies a lot to myself". I think that's spot on. Once I discovered this, a
whole new door opened up.
From my exprience, I might suggest that to starve it (this part of you that lies) might just make it more resentful and find different, more devious
ways of getting what it craves. For me, I have come to the realisation that this part of me is real, he is hurting and he has real, genuine needs
(which he meets by binging on porn) and I need to listen to him. That's just me of course. You will have your own take.
You're right, you do deserve better than this and you are capable.
The behaviours you describe (the meetings running alongside the acting out and the re-setting the filter) are f***ed-up - well done for
calling it. But they are typical addict behaviour and most of us here will have done something similar - I know I have done exactly that
thing with the filter.
Well done for the steps you have taken and my best in your continued recovery.
Yip
Walk with me for the journey is long
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Al Sevo
Member
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 1-12-09 at 08:40 PM |
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Thanks for the encouragement, Yip. I made it to Day 2 today. I'm ready to nap, then back to late night working.
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 3-12-09 at 11:14 PM |
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I made it 4 days. I fell off about twenty minutes ago. I can directly connect it to being sleep deprived and having my inhibitions lowered. HALTS:
I need to look out for it.
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Tanya
Super Administrator
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| posted on 4-12-09 at 01:40 AM |
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Al Sevo: Im sorry to hear you are struggling so much right now.
I have a question; since you are blessed enough to have 5 people in your life that know about your addiction and are supportive of your recovery, how
come you dont have one of them set the password on your filter?
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Al Sevo
Member
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Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 4-12-09 at 08:37 PM |
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I actually asked one of them to do just that after I fell off last Sunday. It's just a matter of going up to visit with my laptop.
I made it almost 5 days this week. I slipped at twenty after midnight this morning. It definitely was fatigue related. I had probably slept two
hours a night all week trying to get things done I needed to do for work and grad school. All of them were in and finished by the time I got home,
but I really should have been hitting the sack. Instead...the same old story.
I will give my friend a call again to set my filter. And actually, one of them is even closer in distance than she is, about a ten minute walk. I
will call him tonight on my way out to SCA Late Night Meeting.
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 4-12-09 at 08:41 PM |
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Just sent him a text. Tomorrow will be a new Day 1 and it will feel good to have someone else in charge of the filter.
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 10-12-09 at 11:04 PM |
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Back in it. Been too busy to fall off since Tuesday. The last bing started about this time last week and went on for three days. Now I'm going to
bed. It's better. Here comes Day 3.
Tomorrow night, I'll be with family and Saturday I'll be assisting with something that requires me not to have any residual guilt hanging over my
head, so hopefully that will keep me on point.
My friend was gone for the weekend, so I didn't successfully put my filter password into someone else's hands yet. That probably contributed to the
binge (the addict saying, "hey, this could be it! might as well get in as much as you can!" Just one more lie its told).
I'm gonna try to talk to "it" as the "double" that it is, taking Yip's suggestion. If anything, it will help me be less hard on myself, as the SAA
guys suggest.
Sleepy time.
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 12-12-09 at 10:11 AM |
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Four days. I've gone past my "average". My falls tend to on Fridays, Sundays and Mondays and happen in the evening. I've made it past one of those
trouble days. I pray to keep going.
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 13-12-09 at 01:12 PM |
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I went five days, just about. That's a good improvement. I noticed one more thing for my inner circle: drinking alcohol. I am a lightweight. More
than one drink and it allows the addiction--will call it Saul--to start taking over. i h ave never really drunk much, maybe that's why i'm such a
lightweight. Whatever it is, I just can't really handle liquor, in terms of where it opens up my mind to go. Even the next day, I am vulnerable. So
I will have to say goodbye to one more thing: even though, it's something I barely say hello to. Better safe than sorry.
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 15-12-09 at 09:48 PM |
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Getting tired as I work on writing an assignment for school. Definitely HALTS is coming into play. Just thought I'd note it for myself before going
to bed.
Wish me luck and send your positive thought/encouragement.
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 17-12-09 at 09:55 PM |
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Almost 5 days--close call yesterday, but good now.
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 19-12-09 at 07:53 PM |
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6 Days today (144 hours straight as of 5pm) without looking at porn, not that I haven't tempted myself a few times by doing web searches for things
and then NOT clicking on the links. (I've done this sort of self-tempting/torturing about four or five times this week, including five minutes
ago!--which is why I'm back posting here--to short-circuit that.)
I've been listening to some porn addiction/sex addiction recovery podcasts lately. I've downloaded/subscribed to as many as I can from iTunes.
Unfortunately, all of them (with one exception) seem to be from a pretty fundamentalist Christian perspective, which I don't necessarily agree with
totally on all things. One of these did make a good point about "yellow light" behavior--which includes the kind of web surfing torture I've done a
few times this week. The podcaster basically says to look at the intent behind that behavior and how different it really is from acting out. Of
course, he takes it further and sort of says it's the "same as" acting out, which I don't necessarily agree with, especially right now, when I'm
trying not to beat myself up and take whatever victories I can where I can. His POV is understandable, though, from a fundie perspective since JC
says something similar about those who commit adultery in their hearts having already committed adultery. But again, I don't agree with taking it
that far. It's too extreme to allow me room to not beat myself up, if that makes sense.
If anyone knows of any other podcasts that are good for recovery, but aren't fundamentalist Christian in outlook, I'd love to hear them. Not that
there isn't much good in the fundie take, it's just not MY take.
Here's hoping to make it to 168 hours (7 days).
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