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TimM
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![[*]](./images/engage/default_icon.gif) posted on 19-12-09 at 08:19 PM |
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There's a lot of good 12-step material at http://xa-speakers.org/ Most of it's AA or other
fellowships than ours, but I've learned a lot there.
Tim M.
"We try, and we try, and we fail; and then we go deeper." -Suzuki Roshi
"In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion." -Machig Labdrön
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Al Sevo
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 20-12-09 at 11:32 AM |
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Thanks, Tim.
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Al Sevo
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| posted on 20-12-09 at 11:35 AM |
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I made it to about 2am, East Coast U.S. time. I should have been sleeping by 1am--I let HALTS get me. At least the binge was only an hour as opposed
to last Sunday.
Sunday is my biggest day to fall, for whatever reason. I know this and yet I have to figure out a way to use that information to take extra steps--to
be outside (snow willing) or to call friends or to go to sleep, whatever, when the clock turns midnight and Saturday ends.
I am proud I went for a little over 6 days. I'm building back up. There will be no time to mess around through the holiday because work is busy
until Wednesday (I have a situation to handle) and then I'm with family for the holidays and I won't have a computer or any alone time to slip with.
Pray that will be to my advantage.
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Al Sevo
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 23-12-09 at 08:08 PM |
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Low today. It's stagnation and procrastination. Pray for the holidays.
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Mitch_Pa
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| posted on 24-12-09 at 12:19 AM |
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Mate, keep going, slowly but surely...
Mitch_pa
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Al Sevo
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 30-12-09 at 11:21 AM |
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Thanks, Mitch. Trying to be more gentle, despite my slips. It's good and bad, really. One step forward, a half step back.
I had a slip for about a half hour 12:20-12:50am on Christmas Eve morning. The good was that it was a relatively short binge and I remembered enough
about traveling to see family in the morning to stop. I took my laptop with me on the trip and finally got done what I wanted/needed to do.
On Christmas, I asked a family member to change the password on the p*** filters I have installed on the computer. Before I knew what the passwords
are so if I was particularly desperate to act out, I would just go in, put in the password and give myself access to act out.
This family member doesn't know about my problem (none of them do). I just told him I wanted to keep myself from procrastinating by looking at p***
and it was a very casual conversation. He said, "Sure." The only thing he asked was, "Is it okay if I forget the password I set up?" I was happy to
say yes.
Now, this was a positive step. When I got back home last Sunday, though, I realized that I was beginning to go into withdrawal, which was rough. I
found myself "testing" to "make sure" the filter worked. (Of course it did.)
Yesterday, came the slip. I'd been listening to these recovery podcasts and one of them mentioned this very popular "PG" rated web video site. The
context was, "If you need to give up that site/filter it out to keep from triggering yourself, do it." This site is one I've gone to frequently to
look at videos that "suggest" but do not cross the line into p*** b/c there is no nudity, etc. I've often done this with the lie to self that it was
just like a nicotine patch or something--watching these non-graphic, suggestive videos was just me doing a little bit to get myself through the day.
No harm, no foul. Of course, many times this "harmless" taste just sent me on a hunt for the links often advertised within the non-explicit
videos.
Yesterday about 8pm, i found myself looking for these non-explicit videos on this site again and managed to find an explicit video some
pornographer had put on this "PG" site that the admins had not managed to remove/filter out yet.
Luckily, my acting out lasted under 10 minutes before I caught myself and stopped. That's some progress. Nevertheless, 5 days and 19 hours of
soberness and I had to reset my clock.
Three things I'm understanding now. One: it doesn't matter what filters I have set up if I'm not going to change the rituals and mindset that
leads me down the slippery slope from gateway behaviors to acting out. Two: I will have to add that "PG" video website to the list of sights in the
Leechblock (my second filter) that Firefox has.
Third: I've been thinking about the 6 months sober I did back in 2008 and how it was so easy to fall and fall big at that time. (I went to
internet cafe, logged online and was surprised by some porn site the previous person had left up on the computer. I wasn't looking for it in this
case and it was not my fault. Nevertheless, that was the excuse the addict needed to initiate the see-saw again.) I realized that I was obsessed at
that time with counting days and months. My whole abstention came from pride in my own willpower, as opposed to really understanding whatever it is
within me that is hurt, needy, empty, that keep trying to fill with something that can't ever fill or heal it.
This time around I've got to do it differently.
I'm in counseling now and starting to go to the different meetings more regularly.
(SAA, SA, SLAA, SCA, SRA--I had no idea there were so many fellowships around this very same addiction. It makes me realize how widespread the
problem is, but also makes me hopeful that there are so many avenues for help.)
Here's praying for better.
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Tecato Gusano
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| posted on 31-12-09 at 06:29 AM |
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I can relate in so many ways ... good luck and remember that you are making progress and to be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
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Al Sevo
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 2-1-10 at 01:17 PM |
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Doing my best to be gentler. I've been listening to a hypnosis mp3 at night for letting go of guilt and another for self-confidence. It's useful.
I'm back on my Day 1, but just moved to a new flat last night. I've got no history of acting out in this new spot, so that's positive. The new
roommate knows me in a very specific context, so that's also helpful for me because I want to maintain that context and that's extra incentive not to
act out here.
I'm thankful for today. I'm giving the 30 day challenge a go on this message board. I'm gonna keep going no matter what. Eventually, the change
will stick. I just have to give it time.
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Al Sevo
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 3-1-10 at 07:03 AM |
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Well, I know that the day after a binge is usually a white- knuckle day. Not pleasant. Just something I noticed to remind me to avoid slips as best
I can. Big time white-knuckling last night, but made it to a late-night meeting anyway. Today is Day 2 on the 30 day challenge. I'd love to go to
another 12-step meeting today, but am going to have to work instead.
I am doing better. It's good for me to recognize that I am making some steps in the right direction.
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Al Sevo
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| posted on 10-1-10 at 07:58 PM |
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I went 6 days and about 14 hours before falling off the wagon, which was today. This binge was quite long and didn't just involve the usual looking
at p*** that I shouldn't. It involved lots of pointless internet surfing before, in-between, and after. Anxiety and procrastination over my ability
to handle the work and class-load I have now for this week.
I did good about going to meetings early in the week. I made it to therapy Monday night, then b/c of a canceled class, I had a chance to go to an SRA
meeting on Thursday, which I liked. I went to the Friday night one right after work as well. I like the vibe of this group better than SAA for some
reason. It seems like people are more approachable to those who are newly on the path to recovery and more open. They come to you. They also have a
hotline, which I availed myself of on Saturday night at 4am when I couldn't sleep and was going through withdrawal. (That probably helped me to last
an extra half day sober, all things considered.) I missed the late-night SCA meetings on Friday and Saturday, though (they have them at 10:45pm,
which is good since late-night is a danger zone for acting out). Luckily, I now know SRA has phone meetings at 10am and 10pm every day, which is a
decent option should I not be able to make a late night weekend meeting and need to *do* something. Still, making the trip to meet face-to-face with
others feels like more work (and that's good) and a bigger step in recovery than just a conference-call meeting.
So I had to reset the clock. I am trying to be gentle with myself. I finally had to bite the bullet and block the *PG* rated video site which I've
used in the past to tease myself with. I will also have to avoid my new roommate's TV, since mindlessly flipping through the channels is very much
like mindlessly surfing the web and almost as triggering (given some of the late night cable programming and "on demand" pay-per-view choices out
there).
Doing my best to avoid "shoulds" and trying to accept the pain of withdrawal, which I'm prepared to feel given tomorrow is the first full day
following a massive binge.
It's funny, though, for the whole week, monday through friday, I barely thought about p*** at all and didn't feel any real desire to look at it or act
out in any way. By the time I got to the friday night SRA meeting, hearing what folks who were in the room were going through, I started to wonder if
there was something wrong with the fact that I wasn't feeling any withdrawal. Perhaps I *thought*/*psyched* myself into withdrawal from worrying
about the lack of withdrawal, opening a window to the addict to come in again.
Who knows. Back to the 30 day challenge again.
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Al Sevo
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| posted on 16-1-10 at 09:26 AM |
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I'm on another Day 6. On my way to an SRA Meeting now. Got plenty to keep me busy this weekend. Best to everyone.
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Al Sevo
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| posted on 18-1-10 at 12:53 PM |
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Day 8-barely made it, but here I am. Thanks!
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Al Sevo
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| posted on 19-2-10 at 01:29 PM |
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I've been quiet for awhile. I made it about 2 weeks and then fell off to acting out again. I am doing my best to be gentle with myself, while also
knowing that I have lied to myself often and can't necessarily trust myself. I've been up and down, despairing and hopeful again and again. It's not
up to me, really it isn't. There's so much linked to this compulsion. It's like a a bunch of wires that have been tangled up and smooshed into a
ball. Start trying to unravel the compulsive p*** watching thing and you run into the procrastination wire and the depression wire and the self-doubt
and self hate wires, the feelings of lack of power in relation to women wire, etc., etc., etc.
It would be nice to hope that it's really one rope tangled up and if I pull on the right thing, all the knots and tangles will come undone. Alas, I
think the other metaphor is more accurate. It's going to take a long time to untangle and I can use the help of others to give suggestions and offer
support, however the actual motivation and untangling has to come from me.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 19-2-10 at 10:21 PM |
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You know that you can't do this by yourself, right? You need support from everywhere you can get it. Coming here is good, it's a start. But look for
recovery groups in your area, there are IRC chat groups etc. It's a long haul, but you don't have to do it alone (and can't). I fought with this for
years thinking that I could somehow "figure it out". But I'm only starting to have some success (day 54) when I was able to get open about it with
people who could understand. Use all your resources!
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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Al Sevo
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 28-2-10 at 09:26 PM |
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I've been going to 12 step groups off and on since the end of the summer, consistently since December. It's just been difficult to get traction. I
don't necessarily *believe* in the *disease model* for this compulsion, but that seems to be the only game in town.
That being said, I do know I need to rely more on the help of others once I leave the meetings by making phone calls every day, especially *before*
and not just *when* I feel triggered.
Successfully made it a week, but yesterday was rough. I was within seconds of acting out yesterday morning. Partially, it was anxiety over a brunch
date I had. The one thing that stopped me from acting out completely was the realization that I just didn't have the time to do *that* and *also* get
done all the things I needed to get done before meeting up for my brunch appointment. That is a small win and I will take it. I can remember many
times where, not having the time to act out and also to get done what I needed to, I chose to act out anyway. So this was a positive step, despite
how close I was to falling off.
One day at a time, preparing for one day more.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 1-3-10 at 09:27 AM |
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Progress not perfection. I've found that as you say, identifying the pre-trigger helps a lot. Once I'm triggered.... It's mostly all over. But being
able to identify that emotional surge that is for me the warning light that the slightest thing will trigger me. Well, so far that has done it. As to
the "disease model", I hear you. I fought accepting that for a long long time. And I fought hard against the idea that I'll always be an addict, even
if it no longer controls me. But years and years of fighting that without success finally convinced me that I literally do not have control, cannot
get control, and that I have to depend on help from others and the Higher Power. I know I can't do this alone. Period.
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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Al Sevo
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| posted on 2-3-10 at 07:29 PM |
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9 days right now. Seems I'm trading in porn for procrastination. Really just peeling layers off the onion, I suppose. I think we're going to make
it. Eventually. No matter what.
I've made program calls three consecutive days. Just the routine of it is good, whether or not I get anyone on the phone.
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Al Sevo
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| posted on 4-3-10 at 09:10 PM |
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11 days, by the grace of something or other.
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Al Sevo
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| posted on 6-3-10 at 10:11 AM |
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This is Day 13. By the Grace of God. Whether I fall again or not, I am confident I'm going to make it. This too shall pass, whatever it is.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 6-3-10 at 04:55 PM |
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Congratulations! I am inspired by the fact that you have kept coming back, no matter what. That way lies recovery! The only failure is to give up on
recovery.
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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Al Sevo
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| posted on 7-3-10 at 01:18 PM |
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Thanks, Mr.Badger.
This is Day 14 for me. I just caught myself wanting to do a web term search for things that lead to trouble. I in fact entered a term, but closed
that window and brought myself here instead. I know this is really anxiety over things I need to get done for work and grad school, plus wanting to
make time to see my friend whose birthday it was last week. I intended to meet up with him in about three and a half hours and just don't think I'm
going to get done what I need to before then. I know that going back down that road of acting out isn't going to solve this. It's just a reaction to
anxiety, a desire to flee, rather than stay and do what I can, however much that is.
With that, I have some planning to do for tomorrow.
Thanks for the encouragement.
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Al Sevo
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| posted on 8-3-10 at 02:04 AM |
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I barely made it through yesterday. I found myself seeking out ways to trigger myself without going the whole way. This is called self-torture and
it is crazy. I made calls for support each time this made me too anxious and when I got most crazy later in the night, I had to make an executive
decision to just go to sleep.
Was this really about "needing" to act out? Beneath it was feeling overwhelmed about things I need(ed) to get done for school and work today. I felt
overwhelmed, knowing how long it takes me to get things done, even when I'm not procrastinating, and the amount of stuff I *perceived* myself needing
to finish by today. What I was telling myself was this: "You have *too* much stuff to get done. You'll *never* get it done on time and that's
*awful.*" In other words, I was telling myself I couldn't survive if I didn't get everything done, which is bullshit. I can only do what I can do
and it is what it is.
This thinking leads me to procrastination or some other maladaptive strategy for trying to mentally and emotionally escape from feelings of
helplessness. This happens way too often. It's low-anxiety tolerance. Or low-reality tolerance. But what I'm telling myself and what is real are
not exactly the same and there is where I'm creating the problem.
Should I have retreated into sleep? Maybe, maybe not. What I do know is I'm sober right now and I'm up early and I'm getting done what I can and
that just has to be good enough for now.
So begins Day 15. Half way to my first 30-day milestone. I am making the decision to avoid stressing over the day counts, though. I have to make
this decision over and over again every day.
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Al Sevo
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 8-3-10 at 11:59 PM |
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I just spent twenty minutes venting on a post and the computer spirits have eaten it.
I guess it's just as well. Struggling today. Need to sleep.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 9-3-10 at 09:16 AM |
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Still getting support from groups? There is also the IRC chat that is almost always going if you need to talk to someone ASAP. Good luck and hang in
there.
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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Al Sevo
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 16-3-10 at 07:43 PM |
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Had a slip Sunday. I'm not beating myself up because I feel that I'm making progress. I'm hopeful. Like Paul Newman's attitude at the end of The
Color of Money, "If I don't beat you today, then I'll beat you tomorrow. But I'll beat you." But p*** addiction is not as cool as Tom Cruise!
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