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Al Sevo
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Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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![[*]](./images/engage/default_icon.gif) posted on 23-8-10 at 11:20 AM |
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I still got up way too late today. I am going to get out and get productive, even if I don't feel like it!
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Al Sevo
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Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 23-8-10 at 07:19 PM |
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Didn't watch p*** today...but was oh so very close. I mb'ed twice to something suggestive and knew this was just a less extreme version of the usual
kind of slip. I have done really well this month, partially through the blessing of having a computer die; partially, I think from getting to many
meetings. The isolation and projecting negativity into the future when I woke up late today had a lot to do with what went down. Still there's a
part of me that wants to "go all the way" and act out--it says, "Well, if you did that much, you might as well go all the way." I know where that
goes, though, don't I?
I have shame around the lethargy I've felt lately and, despite "reasoning out" how to be active, I am having difficulty translating this into action
that will get me out of the funk.
The angel of choice will keep giving me the same choices until I learn to choose the better choice consistently.
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
Member Is Offline
Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 24-8-10 at 09:04 AM |
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There's always time to reset your day. I'm resetting my day. I've come a long way this month. It's good to remember that.
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
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Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 26-8-10 at 05:12 PM |
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I had too down days, with the old acting out routines. I have to remember that it is a process and it takes time. It is hard to remember sometimes,
in the moment, that I have choice. Paying too much to the "feeling", especially the "feeling" of fear and being pinned in, needing to escape--whether
it's just escaping whatever is really bothering me or making me uncomfortable or succumbing to the old track of ramping up the emotional charge of
trying to escape from my attempt to escape! Meta-turmoil over the "feelings" that I interpret as being the lead-in to "inevitable acting out" has
never done the job of getting me "unstuck" from that terror loop.
That command phrase that says: "I don't feel like it" and "I won't do anything I don't feel like doing" is still doing a number on me. I need to keep
attacking that command, breaking it down and remembering what is behind it.
Many times it isn't that I don't feel like doing something--it's that my damaged brain, the addicted one, doesn't feel like it--because it is jonesing
or in the low space following the negative high of addiction.
Right now, I have anxiety over going back to school and work. The anxiety won't make school and work go any better. Only doing things that benefit
my emotional/physical/mental preparation for school and work will do that. So what doesn't "feel" like doing this stuff is the part of my brain that
is running the "acting out" loop, which includes all those command phrases--mind viruses--that trip me up. Maybe I need to talk to this part of my
brain, let it know that if I lose school/job/apartment/opportunity, that it won't possibly be able to survive. Either it gets in line and helps me
live better or it will die with me.
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
Member Is Offline
Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 28-8-10 at 06:55 PM |
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Not a good day today. The old acting out is back. I know this is about work and school anxiety. It's up to me, to let it go and reset the day.
Start over. I have to remember every slip is a lesson and ever sober moment is practice for a sober day and a sober life to come. Pick my head up
and keep working.
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
Member Is Offline
Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 29-8-10 at 01:56 PM |
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Today is beautiful. It would be good for me to get outside and enjoy it! I sidetracked a good start in the morning with lots of dead time on the
internet. Not looking at p, not even teasing/torturing myself with suggestive search terms entered into the search engine. Just plain ol'
procrastination. And looking at lots of negative news kinds of things, which I suppose is sort of a type of p of its own!
Get outside! Get outside, Al! NOW!
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
Member Is Offline
Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 31-8-10 at 04:48 PM |
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Feeling more motivated today. Hoping to follow through on that. One week from now, I will be back to work.
Noticing neediness and anxiety around that. I'm positive about that, since I'm so used to numbing the feelings, either through procrastination or
acting out with p, which are both escapist and fantasy-based activities for me.
Had a rough go last night as I had a family member coming to visit and help me out with something. He was measured and calm but definitely
disappointed by my disorganization and lack of initiative. Basically he told me the next time he comes by, if I'm not ready and have my head
together, he's just going to turn around and leave. That was hard ot hear but needed to be heard. He commented I needed to care more about myself
and that is a big part of the problem, a lack of positive self-regard...about my abilities, my life in general. I found myself wanting to beat
myself up afterwards, but that is not the answer. It's just something negative I do: another fall-back to downing myself.
I know a lot of this has to do with the fog of the last slip, so I'm reminding myself to use the awareness of that natural negative consequence, to do
things today that are more helpful to my wellbeing and state of mind and life.
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
Member Is Offline
Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 1-9-10 at 08:03 AM |
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Wake up, wake up, wake up. It's the 1st of da month...
I had a former co-worker that would play that from his cubicle on the first of every month, so that's in my head right now. I actually appreciated it
a lot. Not that I can relate to a lot of the lyrics to that song, but the chorus still feels motivational to me.
I helped a friend put together a rather enormous bed last night; he'd helped me move not too long ago, so I was paying him back. Unfortunately, we
couldn't get started until about 11pm and since he lives in another city, that meant getting back home very, very late.
Definitely waiting for the first train had me getting very testy. Waiting for the second train...had me beyond moody, at which point I did notice
that ogling impulse kick in with regards to certain women on the platform. I remembered HALTS and could take the reaction for what it was: the
natural reaction, an awareness of physical beauty; then the self-created, addictive impulse: to keep staring as a means to avoid feeling discomfort:
emotional discomfort at the thought of how late it was and how little sleep I was going to get as a result of it; and physical discomfort, my body
feeling fatigue.
I got straight to bed once I came home and though I woke up later than I wanted today (about forty minutes ago), I can accept that as a natural
consequence of my choice to help my friend despite the late hour. I can comfort myself knowing, also, that I won't have to help put together any more
beds in New Jersey at 11pm any time soon. I can also comfort myself with the knowledge that saying "no" and putting my actual (rather than my
imaginary, addiction-based) needs first is always an option.
Gratefully sober today.
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
Member Is Offline
Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 5-9-10 at 10:35 AM |
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Had a slip yesterday mornineg, but it didn't ruin my day? Why? I was able to eventually get outside, enjoy the sun and, more importantly, do some of
the work I've been avoiding. This made me feel great, capable, even. I made a discovery, too--which I guess should seem obvious but I need
practice.
Here's how it happened.
Part of what I've been trying is to write down the "command phrases" or false rules for action/irrational beliefs I have in my head and then slowly
break them down. At the beginning of the month I got about four pages (yes, daunting) of these command phrases written down in my recovery journal.
Then, I sort of dragged my feet on the important part, which is the process of clearing them out: 1) Choose a command phrase to work on 2) Analyze it
and determine why it is illogical/false 3) Identify the truth(s)/reality this command phrase prevents you from seeing 4) Ask: What choice(s) do(es)
this/these truth(s)/ reality/ies give me in my life?
Last night, I realized this process was missing one more, very important step: 5) What is one thing I can do NOW/immediately to validate the
truth(s)/reality/ies I've identified?--DO IT!
That's exactly what I did last night and it turned around the whole day. These steps are something I feel goes hand in hand with the serenity prayer
and that I should do every day, along with saying the serenity prayer. I can ask God for the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to
know the difference between what I can and cannot change until I'm blue in the face but it won't change things until I engage in a practical process
that helps me to do this. I guess that's what "faith without works is dead" means to Christians and what "Take a step toward Allah and he will take
two towards you" means to Muslims. Pray AND THEN do something about to show and prove you have faith in the fulfillment of that prayer. This is
balance. I am accepting that.
I can choose to do these things to the best of my ability: this is recovery for me.
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
Member Is Offline
Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 6-9-10 at 09:38 AM |
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It's go time. I go back to work tomorrow and grad school is beginning again, too. I have plenty to do. I can choose to slide back into
procrastination to mask my anxiety or I can acknowledge that I get started and do something than wallow in avoidance. Anything I do today will be a
credit toward a better "today" on Tuesday (and Wednesday and etc.).
I received a new computer not too long ago from a relative. She says to me, "Now this isn't going to be like the nice old lady who gives money to the
crack addict and says, 'You're going to buy food with that, right?'" I laughed, but uneasily. Already, the addicted part of my brain was thinking
about getting a fix of visual crack.
Saturday, I met up with a program friend so he could take over the password on the internet filter I'd downloaded. I had so much anxiety about
it--real physical discomfort, but also along with that, I felt relief. He had done the same favor for me with my last computer. Ironically, the
thing died the very next day. So now, this new healthy computer has the porn block taken care of. In addition, it blocks any and all streaming
video, so I won't be able to trigger myself by looking for and watching suggestive but non explicit/pornographic videos on the big, popular,
mostly-PG, but not quite, video sharing website. I know that mid-line behavior has very quickly led me back to p*** almost everytime I've done it.
(So I suppose that's reason enough to move it to the list of bottom line behaviors.)
We'll see how everything goes.
I've been reading a free online porn addiction recovery course that's been very helpful so far. What I like is the format of the recovery plan the
guy uses, which differs from the SAA format in a very significant and, I think, helpful way. Instead of the plan listing bottom line/inner circle,
mid-line/middle circle and top-line/outer circle (positive) behaviors, as the three columns in one's plan, the three columns are this: first column:
problematic actions; second column: "warning signs that sobriety is in jeopardy"; and column three: "the positive reward of maintaining sobriety and
refraining from my primary problem activities." I think this is a much more functional and elegant sort of plan because it more explicitly focuses on
action, analysis (the wording of the second column is clearer than just "mid-line/middle circle") and the all-important "why" (3rd column)--the
positive results of getting and staying sober. I don't think I'll abandon the SAA format plan, but I think I will use it as a secondary/support plan.
Having a constant reminder of "why" I explicitly want to get out of this addiction is something that will help me a lot. The "positive reward" is a
great way to frame these things. I know I very often think of the results of getting sober with negative language--I won't feel as bad about myself,
I won't waste so much time, I won't cut myself off from other people so often. In the end, those reasons are negative and with an addiction that
thrives on my negative thinking and self-pity, can be counterproductive. "Positive reward": "I will feel more confidence in my work," "I will be
better prepared and do a better job in my profession," "I will feel satisfaction," "I will open up time to connect with other people"--those are
motivational whys.
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Al Sevo
Member
Posts: 94
Registered: 8-11-09
Member Is Offline
Mood: "drying out:" feeling soberer and a bit more hopeful!
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| posted on 6-9-10 at 09:47 PM |
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Go back to work tomorrow. Lots of anxiety. I didn't accomplish the things I needed to/wanted to today. However, I did more today than I did
yesterday...and I held back the temptation to escape through sleep long enough to find a few resources that hopefully will be useful for me in the job
this year.
The folks in my life who know about my issue are taking the gloves off as it were. Meaning, they are telling me to get my shit together and get
organized, to stop being satisfied with the status quo, which is being depressed and self-downing. It is go time and they know this--a lot is riding
on the next few months. I just need to stay focused on what I can do each day, though, so I won't get overwhelmed.
Breathe, focus, and take positive action. That is one mantra I'm repeating for myself. The other: proper planning precedes positive performance.
I did not try to break down any of my command phrases today, however I did a good job with eating and getting out of the house when I needed to do
so.
About two weeks ago, I started to do what's called a Personal Craziness Inventory with a couple of program friends. Basically, you create a list of
things that, if done daily, will tend to make your life less crazy. You settle on 7 (no more, no less) of these things and that's your inventory.
For everything on your inventory you do, you get a check or a star. For the things you don't do, you get a point (points being negative in this
case).
My inventory: 1) Do morning routine (wake up at 5:30am; write down my dreams; do 10 push-ups and 10 sit ups); 2) Cook and eat breakfast; 3)
Pray/meditate for 20 minutes; 4) Eat at least 3 meals; 5) Do 2 hours of work planning/prep. outside of work; 6) Make a program call; 7) Go to bed by
midnight.
The first and the fifth are the hardest for me because they directly butt up against my fears, anxiety, avoidance and laziness. However, two days ago
I finally accomplished 2 hours of lesson planning and today I came close. Since work kicks off tomorrow, it's do or die on waking up at 5:30am and
doing my morning routine. I pray for the awareness to do it. Let's start this return to work off right.
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