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MrBadger
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![[*]](./images/engage/default_icon.gif) posted on 27-7-10 at 09:17 AM |
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Day 2 / 29.2 – I had just finished writing out my first step a day or so before this slip. I'd sent it to my sponsor for him to take a look at. Now I
think I need to rewrite it. Not because of the slip exactly, but rather because the aftermath of the slip has shown me that I missed the important
thread as I laid out the progress of my addiction and my futile attempts attempts to cope with it. I think I need to go back and see if I can't trace
the source of this pain in my life, back to the very beginning. As I was getting up, thinking about where that pain started, I remembered my mother
reading “Mother West Wind” stories to my brother and I. And I think that there has always been a part of me that believed that I was meant to live in
that Utopian world. The pain may have started when I realized that I didn't, and couldn't. And maybe the very first thing that I have to surrender,
going all the way back to that first longing for another world, is that I have to leave it in the hands of God to bring me back home again. I do think
I belong in that Utopian world. I think that is God's intent for all of us. But I have to give up trying to get there. God will have to bring me home
or I won't get there at all. And as I went to sleep last night, and woke up during the night, and as I got up this morning I realized that all of the
things that flood my mind, all of it has to be surrendered to God. All of it! It's a bit overwhelming until I realized... That TOO must be surrendered
to God. I can't even surrender properly. All I can do is be willing to be made willing... ad finitum. So, Lord God of the Universe, my Friend and
Mentor, I lay myself into your hands now. I am willing to do whatever it takes, I am just not able to follow through on my desire to be in your hands.
But I ask you to fan this tiny spark of willingness into a full devotion to you. Teach me how to be a loving person. I know that is what I lack.
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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Mark
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| posted on 27-7-10 at 04:30 PM |
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I too find it difficult to surrender but it is possible it has happened very occassionally. The last time was earlier this year I let go of a
compuslive obsessive pattern of thinking to do wth work that I'd had for well over 30 years. I'm now much happier at work. If only I could do it for
this addiction!
Changing one day at a time
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MrBadger
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| posted on 28-7-10 at 08:54 AM |
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Day 3 / 29.3 – “Pray without ceasing”. I never really knew what that meant before. But I think I understand a little bit better now. It doesn't mean
that one spends 24/7 on their knees with folded hands, speaking in mock Elizabethan English with “thee's and thou's”. It means that one includes God
in the context of one's inner thinking. If the Higher Power is really there then He / She / They are an important part of the inner equation, always.
It is only when I dismiss that from my thinking that I start turning inward and trying to fix things myself. I told my sponsor last night that I
thought maybe the problem was that I really don't trust God to work through things and so I jump in to do it myself. But I think it's maybe worse than
that – it's not that I don't trust Him, it's that I simply forget about him. I've heard that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. I
wouldn't say that I'm indifferent about God. But what else do you call it when you simply forget about someone? So, that is the thing to stay mindful
of. The “triggers” need to drive me back to the side of my Mentor and remind me that I've let the most important thing for my recovery slip my mind.
Good morning my Friend. Thank you for the gift of 2 days of sobriety. Help me to receive your gift of another 24 hours of living in you. It is a gift
to be received, but I am so weak that I can't even accept your gift of sobriety without your help. All I can do is state my desire to be sober in this
day – though I know that I cannot even keep my hand in yours without your help. Thank you for your patience and unconditional love. “Perfect love
casts out fear” and I pray that your love will cast out the pain and fear in my life and teach me to love like you do. That would suffice.
P.S. Mark - thanks for the thoughts. "I die daily" takes on new meaning.
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 29-7-10 at 09:20 AM |
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Day 4 / 29.4 – A book I've been reading (unrelated to addiction) notes that pride is probably the worst fault and at the root of all
the others. The author also notes that God often cannot help us with out other character defects until he has worked though that one – as bad as our
other problems may be. Now I don't know if that is universally true. But as I look in myself I see the truth of it for me. Without this addiction to
keep me humble I would have been impossibly prideful and arrogant. (Even with it I'm bad enough.) I think that is why the first three steps are so
hard for me – working them requires that I swallow my pride, accept that I am in fact helpless against this addiction, and by extension the rest of my
life, seeking for help from outside of myself, and submitting to external guidance. You can't do that and still cling to the attitude of “look at this
great Babylon that I have built!” The things my pride has built have turned out to be ashes. I would not have been forced to see that without my
addiction. And the only way I will be rid of my addiction is by starting by surrendering my pride and following humbly the guidance of the Higher
Power, my sponsor, the program. Anything else is me taking control and trying to fix it my way. It seems overwhelming when I realize how deeply this
pride is intertwined in the core of my being. I've been able to face life because I think I'm pretty damned good and can handle anything. It seems
very scary to acknowledge that by myself I'm nothing. About all I can say is that I intellectually see the truth of that, and am willing to have my
soul taught how to live otherwise. I am willing.
Yesterday was a pretty good day. I've been practicing listening to the voice of my Mentor and casting my inner thoughts in the context of living in
the Higher Power. The big “aha” moment from God yesterday was, when looking at some potential “eye candy”, hearing God whisper “She doesn't have the
solution for you. I am the only one who can heal you.” And the flip side “You are not her solution either, let go of that fantasy.” I realized that my
addiction makes me look to every woman I see as a potential solution to the pain and loneliness. But of course, that's my trying to fix the problem
myself (in my pride) rather than living in the context of God's presence in my soul and looking to Her for the path to wholeness. And of course that
is also the place to go with the other things, my work – God has the path for me there if I am patient, the pain – God offers to bear my pain if I
allow it, the panic – trust in God to deal with whatever it is I think is going to implode... There is nothing that is not best dealt with by giving
it to God and listening for the response of “this is the way, walk in it”. I think the verse that I need to carry in my head constantly, my mantra for
today (and many many days to come – maybe all of them) needs to be “My grace is sufficient for you.”
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 30-7-10 at 10:38 AM |
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Day 5 / 29.5 – On day 5 God's grace continues to be sufficient for me. I'm “trying” (“Do Or do not. There is no try!” – Yoda  ) very hard to transition from checking my internal state to simply avoid the
negative, to checking for “constant contact” with the Higher Power. I am coming to understand that absent that contact I will eventually fail to catch
a trigger in time. And I'm learning that if I trigger it is virtually impossible for me to choose to re-establish contact with God. So the thing to do
is not work harder on “not” doing something, but focusing on my constant connection with God. I can't do this alone. In truth, I can't even establish
that contact with God – She has to do it.
(I heard on one of the SA tapes a share by someone else who needs to see God in the feminine. I need to see it both ways and I see no
contradiction because I believe that when God “created them in his/her image, male and female” that literally means that God's feminine aspect is just
as real as his/her male aspect. That fact that bible was written by and for a predominantly male oriented society – much as ours is actually – is the
reason that we mostly imagine God as male. But God is both and neither. Our understanding of “sex” simply doesn't apply to God. But the gender roles,
that I think comes from the different aspects of God. But now I'm waxing theological which is a distraction from the recovery work. Oh well, this is
my journal, not an SA share! )
So, I can't do this alone, and can't even make the connection, God has to do that as She pleases. Of course She is always pleased to do so but will
not force Herself upon me. So my only part is to make sure that I'm not choosing to block that connection. I can barely do that beyond saying “God,
Help!” when I feel myself starting to close down. But if that is all I can do then I will try (yes, Yoda, I know) to do that moment by moment. God,
Help!
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 31-7-10 at 08:50 AM |
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Day 6 / 29.6 – Not feeling very well physically this morning. Not sure quite what the problem is. Just feeling kind of “run over”. Let's see, I've
found that the “God, Help!” has become rather hollow in that the frequent repetition has started to drain it of its meaning. At first it was “handle”
to the whole God-centered-consciousness thing. Now it has become a set of syllables. The funny thing is that it still works. But I want to focus on my
relationship with the Higher Power, not merely use Her name as some sort of good luck charm. And for there to be a relationship, I need to be talking
to Her “as a friend well known” throughout my day, in my every thought. And what I've been doing is going there only when I notice that I'm in
trouble. It is still a good thing to do. But that is how these mental “tools” wear thin – you use them over and over until they are no longer
effective against this hard rock of addiction. So, back to forming a relation to God rather than just asking Her for help when I think I'm in trouble.
Lord God of the universe. Thank you for your infinite patience with me. I don't know why you care about us tiny, broken humans but I am so grateful
that you do. It is the desire of my heart to be that person that your vision for me projects. But it is hopeless for me to try to get there on my own.
However, I am willing to be made willing to have you show me the path, and to carry me until I can limp, support me until I can walk, and keep your
arm around me until I can run. And even running I understand that I will need to always hold your hand. Help me relax into your love and stop
stressing about how I'm doing. The only important thing is how you are doing with me – and I'm not in a very good position to judge that (which is
really judging YOU which is above my pay grade!) I don't know what the future holds. But in this moment I choose to trust you to guide me through
whatever comes, into wholeness and bliss. In this moment I live in the context of being on the path to full restoration. And if time is not always
linear, as I suspect, then that moment when I am whole is part of this moment when I am not. Help me live in the prospect of full reunion with you
even while I trudge the path to get there. Lord, I love you, as much as I love anything or any one, and desire to love more, both you and those close
to me and those who I need to love that I don't even know of yet. I want to be a loving person, like you. Teach me to love. (Now if the disciples had
only asked Jesus “Teach us to love...” that would have been a parable worth hearing. And yet... maybe that was all of Jesus' mission to us – teaching
humanity to love as God loves? Yes, I do believe that is what it was all about.)
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 1-8-10 at 11:10 AM |
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Day 7 / 29.7 – A quiet day yesterday. Went out to dinner with my wife and we talked about my discoveries on the road to recovery. I launched it by
asking her if she wanted a new husband? She laughed, and I told her what I was
talking about – that I was going to have to help my inner addict “grow up” and that while I had no idea how that would turn out, I was pretty certain
that it was going to be a different person than I am now and so she is going to get a new husband whether she likes it or not. My take away from it
was that I must acknowledge her reticence to ask questions about my recovery and take responsibility for updating her from time-to-time.
The “God, Help!” and more extended thinking-in-the-context-of-God's-presence continues to be my focal point of recovery. I believe that reconnecting
with God is indeed the thing that will resolve the addiction. But I'm coming to the place where the reconnecting with God is the end in itself –
meaning that even if reconnecting with God didn't solve the addiction and straighten out my life I will still say that it is what I want more than
anything else. If I am right with the Higher Power than nothing else matters and will take care of itself in any case.
I am reminded of something I heard years ago by a gentle and thoughtful pastor. A grape vine does not produce grapes by concentrating on “grape
production”. Rather a grape vine produces grapes because of its connection to the root. So concentrate on staying connected to the Source and let the
grape production take care of itself.
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 2-8-10 at 08:52 AM |
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Day 8 / 30.1 – A pretty good day yesterday for about the first 2/3rds. Got a lot done on the Honey-Do list. But then, for some reason, I started
feeling down. No particular reason of which I am aware, so it may just be a Dysthymia thing. No real temptation to medicate out of it, although that
is a potential danger to watch for. And the “God Help!” seems to keep it from rising, but doesn't really make it go away. I may have to simply accept
that I feel down and see where it goes rather than trying to make it “go away” - that's what the addict wants to do, make this feeling go away by
replacing it with... the way I'd feel before, during, and after acting out. It might not be better, but at least it would be different.
In this state I “wonder if it's all true”, the Higher Power, the Larger Universe, whether there is ultimately any meaning to all of this. As I was
going to sleep last night I was wondering “What if I go to sleep and never wake up and that's all there is to life?” Discounting that if that were the
case I'd never know it... I actually came to a pretty good place – a place I've been before. I've had a good life, I have laughed, I have loved, I
have wondered at the universe, I have reached for the stars in my mind and considered a reality which aught to exist if it doesn't. Life and sentience
have not been wasted on me, even if I have not been perfect. I have tried (Yes, Yoda) and succeeded in some important areas. I am grateful for the
time I have had experiencing the universe. I am content.
Now I hasten to add that I still believe in my heart-of-hearts that this life is only the vestibule of the greater life, a training ground for the
“real world” which we will enter when the time is right. Nothing else makes sense to me. But if I am wrong, still, I am content.
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 3-8-10 at 09:00 AM |
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Day 9 / 30.2 – Felt down most of yesterday, right up until the time when I didn't feel well physically. Then it was kind of “Oh, so that is what that
was about!” and I felt better emotionally. I'm realizing more and more how my trust in God is the thing that has been lacking in my life for a long
long time. There was a point in my life, between high school and college, when I had just read a long book on the life of Christ (Desire of Ages) and
really felt close to him. Thinking back, that was the first time I had any extended sobriety, about 3 months, right up until I got home again. And for
a number of years after that, I really did trust God on a subconscious level – I just knew that if I was patient and kept my eyes open, something
would work out. But... I lost that somewhere along the way, partially because that didn't seem to work on my addiction. I waited, I kept my eyes open,
and yet... nothing seemed to stop the progression of my disease. It slowed, sometimes to a crawl, but it was always there and it was always
progressive. At some point I gave up on God and went fully into the “God can't fix this so I'm going to have to do it myself” mode. We all know how
well that works. But now... now there is a part of me that is reawakening that sense that “I can see where God can and will work through this and
everything else in my life with me.” It is only a grain of mustard seed so far. But I am aware of it and it is growing. I believe that God has finally
gotten through to me and is (and always has been) working to heal me of this disease and the many other character defects in my life. AA says “find
God or die” - which is a misnomer, for as someone noted, our “search for God” is like a fish's “search for a shark”. God is indeed the “Hound of
Heaven” and is seeking us out, hunting us down to heal us. But however one puts it, I think I have finally allowed myself to be found and revel in
being devoured, for I know that God will use the bloody pulp that was my false ego to create the real Mark in its place – one with the freedom to live
without destructive behavior and attitudes.
Interesting meeting last night. A small band of brothers and the leader decided to run it as an open forum. Good thing too because one of the members
shared a serious problem and the group had a chance to rally around him in a way that I don't think would have happened in the more formal settings.
My sharing my slight depression even helped for it opened the door for him to share his very very serious depression. In the end it drew the group
closer as a unit and I think some good work was done. But it is in the hands of God.
Dreamed I was in a meeting for the first time last night. That was different. I then went on to dream that I was acting out – which was not so
different. But it was just a dream and even in my dream I felt badly about it and wished I hadn't done it. That may have been related to... and no I'm
not placing blame... B telling me that “tonight's the night”... and then staying up so late that we were both too exhausted. There was a time when
that would have sent me for a loop. But I've learned that even if I think some close time may be coming I should not count on it, not anticipate, and
simply take whatever comes when it comes. I did have to spend some time with my Mentor having Her reiterate that I needed to simply take what came,
but in the end I did not come away with resentment or even resignation. Trust builds slowly, but it does build. Thank you Maker!
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 4-8-10 at 08:55 AM |
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Day 10 / 30.3 – Not feeling well this morning, headache, tired, insides rumbling... And I'm both a little down but have a lot of stuff to do piling
up, so I'm kind of stressed at the same time – the Dysthymia formula as I recall. Still the most vulnerable period is not now but coming down off the
stress. The stress keeps me going, juiced up. It's when I relax that something in me needs the rush again. But, by the grace of God, She'll see me
through both the stress and the let down afterwards. And now, I really do have a lot on my plate. Need to run.
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 5-8-10 at 07:55 AM |
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Day 11 / 30.4 – Actually had a pretty good day yesterday. Busy at work and at when I got home. Actually, didn't have a moment to myself after my brief
journal entry. Had a few minor “hits” in the form of “looking” and aborted fantasies, but nothing that triggered obsession or compulsion. The biggest
challenge was a fair amount of resentment at not getting any relaxation because my wife and son kind of tag teamed me “helping”... which meant that
they both got some “time off” while I pretty much had to work straight through. We didn't finish the project that pretty much had to be done until
almost midnight. Now I'm up at 6:30 doing the journal and getting ready to go to work. But, it turns out that too can be surrendered to the Higher
Power (though I note that it is the major portion of my journal entry – so I'm still working on letting it go). It is on such “little” things that I
suspect my addiction feeds. So, bless them and let it go , and be grateful that we got a good deal, that we were able to complete the work, and that I
did in fact have some very good help. The time with my son showing him what I knew about electrical work was particularly good.
On my computer at work I have a NASA picture up, clouds over the Pacific Ocean from 250 miles up. It gives me a sense of the magic of the place we
live – the only place of which we know in the entire universe that is able to support life as we know it. I dream of traveling the stars but the truth
is that the real magic is not “out there” somewhere. It is right here, right now, in this moment. Lord God of that Universe, I believe that in good
time I will fulfill my dream and see those other worlds. But in the mean time, help me to be aware that the world in which I live is beautiful and
magical beyond belief – a wonder in the universe. Thank you for the chance I have had to live and love and to experience the wonder of your creation.
Help me this day to live in your love and soberly appreciate all that you have made me, all that you have given me, and all that you whisper to me as
I move through my day. For today I am your creature.
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 6-8-10 at 08:00 AM |
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Day 12 / 30.5 – Another good day yesterday. Got a lot done but also took care of myself, the thing that I failed to do Wednesday. I was telling my
sponsor that the truth of the matter in my resentment Wednseday night was that I had how things were going to go mapped out in my head and refused to
give up control when it didn't work out that but tried to force it to be as I desired – in short I tried to run the universe. “So, how'd that work out
for you?” Not so well.
Was also telling my sponsor about the “God, Help!” thing still working as a “handle” to get me back to God-oriented thinking but that I'm noticing
that there is this “resistance” to even the simple thing of saying “God, Help!” that has to be over come before I can say it to myself. Getting past
the resistance is, I believe, the thing that calling out ot God really does that makes it work. In order to ask God for help I have to go through the
first few steps in a flash, I have to recognize that I don't want to continue on my current mental path, recognize that I can't do it alone, and be
willing to receive help from outside of myself. All that it two words, “God, Help!” But, from the meditative practice of “focusing” I realize that it
has become a “handle”, a shortcut back to a longer and more involved mental state, that shifts me from the danger spot back to a more mindful state.
Progress!
Lord God of the Morning, thank you for the baby steps you are helping me take. God, Help! Me lest I become prideful (again) and think that I've not
“made it” and am ready to run a marathon just because I toddled from the coffee table to the couch under your protective hand. I revel in the baby
steps and no longer worry about where it leads. As long as you are with me the outcome doesn't matter, and is secure anyway. I ask for another 24
hours of sobriety and if possible, to show me what the lesson for today might be. Thank you.
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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prozilla
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| posted on 6-8-10 at 03:13 PM |
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Dude I was looking at the beggining of your journal, and I was like NOOOOOOOOOO after 77 days without MB. It's ok you did good man. I think that you
need to understand that the more days you go without this addiction, the more control you have over it. I think the cause of your failure was what I
feel like is a final transition phase.
You can't go the rest of your life thinking your an addict. By 50 days or so you should have tried to lessen the impact of this addiction on your
life, aka just let it go permanently. That is what buddhism is all about, letting things go. If you keep holding on to MB on the inside, it doesn't
matter what you do on the outside because you are eventually going to break. You don't want to do that. You want to build your confidence. See
everyday without MB as a sign of this addiction losing control over you, and you are regaining you real life, the life you always dreamed of. After
one or two months, the addiction will have so little control over you that you can brush it off your shoulder like a piece of lint, to be forever
forgotten.
"All that we are is the result of what we had thought"- Buddha
"In the way we do anything, we do everything"
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MrBadger
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| posted on 6-8-10 at 11:49 PM |
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Prozilla,
Thanks for your comments. I look at it a little differently. I do not gain "control" over the addiction. I've tried that.
Didn't work. What has worked to some extent is TimM's notion of surrendering, giving up, accepting that "I" can't do this. If I could I would have by
now. BUT... I'm not alone in this. If I am willing to surrender this addiction to something larger than myself, then I find that there is a way of
escape provided. I will always be an addict. BUT... you're right about hopelessness not helping... that does NOT mean that God, the Higher
Power, what have you cannot give me my freedom back. I may be an addict but God can restore to me the freedom to not act on my addiction.
At least that is where I am right now, 12 days in. It turns out that it is not about the "addiction" per se, stopping, getting control... or anything
else. It is about reconnecting with the Higher Power, God. If that comes to pass then I am not so worried about the rest. It will take care of itself,
or not. If I am in relationship to my Higher Power then I am content.
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 7-8-10 at 09:10 AM |
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Day 13 / 30.6 – Good thing I don't suffer from triscadecaphobia!  Need to get busy
here since I have a long day ahead of me. I'm finding that my emotional state is fluctuating more but without bouncing off the rails. Some times I
simply feel better than at other times. But the highs are not euphoric, and the lows don't drive me back to my addiction. I fancy that this is what it
is like to be “normal”.  But I don't really know having never been “normal”
myself. I was telling my sponsor about noticing the thought patterns “pre-trigger” and observing how easily I slip from the mundane into the edgy.
Coming back from a walk at lunch I noted that the sunroof in my car was up and in a matter of seconds from there I was revving up an old fantasy about
a tryst in the back seat. I caught it and stopped it but was surprised, amused, and sobered by the short path my mind took from a simple observation
to something dangerous. I've laid down a lot of “stuff” that needs to be paved over with new thinking patterns. Thank God I have his / her help!
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 8-8-10 at 08:23 AM |
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Day 14 / 30.7 – Two weeks. Didn't sleep very well last night. A few “thoughts” involved but I rather suspect that was a effect rather than the cause.
At any rate, I have nothing profound this morning. I just know that I need to get up and do my “morning pages” frist thing or it is an indicator that
I'm taking back over... and therefore in trouble. Well, I guess I do have one lesson learned during the “long dark night”. That is how close to the
surface the resentment still is when the universe doesn't work according to my expectations. Like I am God and can expect things to order themselves
according to my wishes. Jeez. Even God doesn't always get Her way – unless you think that evil was part of the plan – which I don't, not for a moment.
So the fact that I am this way and am dealing with what I'm dealing with must frustrate God even more than it does me. She just handles it better!
So, maybe “patience” is the watchword for today. (Again.) What's the old line?
“God grant me patience. And I mean NOW!”
Went to see “Inception” with my sons yesterday. Like “The Matrix”, the premise is “You don't live in the real world.” (Or maybe “Are you sure you live
in the real world?”) The thing is, for me that's a very real question. Not just because of my addiction which puts me into a fantasy world of my own
making, but also in the sense that because of evil we do NOT live in the world as it was intended to be or will be after the Restoration. So in a very
“real” way (if you'll forgive the phrase) it is true that we don't live in the “real world”. The trick is to not damage ourselves tearing at the bars
of our cage until God has a chance to set us free. So, today I choose to be patient and let God work the restoration of my freedom without me trying
to take it over from him and muck it up. God, you have another 24 hours to work on me!
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 8-8-10 at 08:38 AM |
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I join your prayer.
Take care, man.
Porn is boring.
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MrBadger
Power Poster
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| posted on 9-8-10 at 08:37 AM |
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Day 15 / 31.1 – Good day yesterday. The addiction intruded hardly at all. Hey, I'm half way back to restoring my 30 day chip! The slight depression /
anxiety that I associate with Dysthymia is asserting itself more, especially in the morning. It seems to clear up if I press through it. But... it is
a constant weight that I seem to carry with me. I guess I need to apply my new-found solution to everything, give it to the Higher Power and then
watch to see what happens / what I'm told to do next. Speaking of which, I'm starting to get clear that my current job situation really is sucking my
soul dry and that I need to be looking for alternatives. The thing is, it's hard for me to tell the difference between my Higher Power saying “Now is
the time” and my inner addict wanting change just to keep things stirred up. It is easy for me to tell myself what I want to hear and mistake it for
the voice of God. On the other hand... (he said as he slid into analysis mode) it is also easy to dismiss something I don't want to hear God tell me
as “oh, that's just my inner addict.” But I guess the real reason I'm suspicious is that for some time I've had a 3-year-itch when it comes to jobs.
After a while on a job I get restless and want to move on. So I'm suspicious when the Higher Power tells me to do what I'm inclined to do anyway.
But... maybe the thing to do is look around for alternatives but commit to staying put until the Higher Power makes it VERY obvious that a particular
opportunity is “the next right thing”. If I am supposed to find something else it won't happen if I simply wait for it to bite me on the leg. So,
check for options but wait for guidance. There, who says you can't have it both ways! :-)
God, I'm kind of stuck in analysis mode this morning. Thanks for being with me through this too. You know it's part of who I am – and I think you for
your gift of clear thinking – even if I abuse it sometimes to justify my own desires. It is a mighty gift. Thank you also for my deep feelings –
though they get me in trouble a LOT! I prefer to struggle with the difficulties of feeling rather than to not feel at all. I long for the day when
your healing will bring harmony and synthesis to the two. Then my life will rock! And we'll be able to move forward toward your true purpose for me,
whatever that looks like. In the mean time, patience, write every morning, and listen for your whisper in my ear... “I love you.” Thank you!
P.S. Thanks Hadinuff, I do appreciate it!
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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MrBadger
Power Poster
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Registered: 30-12-09
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| posted on 10-8-10 at 08:30 AM |
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Day 16 / 31.2 – I have been consistently “down” in the mornings for the last few days. But the “God, Help!” prayer still works for that too. I must
have seen that somewhere but it was just a couple of days ago, listening to one of the tapes, that I realized that “God, help!” is called “The
addict's prayer” - it's appropriate because it takes less than a second to say and a second is about all the time I have when these things come up.
Although I was down most of yesterday it was never-the-less a reasonably good day for recovery – meaning I didn't feel like I was facing an all out
assault as has sometimes seemed to be the case. I felt the inner disquiet, acknowledged it, and accepted moving through it rather than trying to short
circuit it – most of the time. Had a good meeting last night, a more “open forum” than we usually do. One of the members talked about where the
“balance” is between “I'm not in control and really am powerless” vs “you have to take action”. I don't know that there is a “balance” per se – for me
the big danger is thinking that I can analyze and fix this – so I have to error on the side of “I can't do it” while still keeping in contact and
being willing to listen and do if something becomes obvious as the “next right thing” from the Higher Power. Someone in the group noted that recovery
is really like a restoration project on an old car – it's had years of abuse, dents, rust and neglect. Restoring it to pristine condition isn't
something that happens with the snap of the fingers. It takes time to rebuild the new person in us. So, although I didn't say it last night (should
have), probably the thing that God is slowly rebuilding in us is “patience” and correcting our “magic thinking”. If he healed us at once we'd think
that was all there was to it and miss the infinite chain of lessons that we really need to learn. Let's see, what else? My sponsor finally got around
to reading my first step. I've got a little resentment there to deal with. He's had it for a couple of weeks now and is just now reading it? But he
has his issues too – I'm just grateful he's willing to help me out with mine. So, “God Help!” I need to let some resentment go here! I also note that
I haven't been doing the “Conversations with God” as much recently. The “God, Help!” prayer is good for “waking me up”, but I really need the follow
through of that “conversation as with a friend well known.” So, stop writing and let's talk. Err.... OK.
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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MrBadger
Power Poster
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| posted on 11-8-10 at 09:02 AM |
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Day 17 / 31.3 – Exhausted and down again this morning. But... don't seem to have an over powering urge to medicate it. Lord God of the Universe, I
need your help just getting through today. I want to work with you in my “restoration” but right now I need your help just putting one finger after
another down on the keyboard. I'm sure I'll get past it and into the day. But right now all I want to do is go back to sleep! But... no rest for the
wicked! I wish I didn't feel like there was some sort of trial coming my way and
that what ever it is it's my fault. But there you have it. That is how I feel right now. I understand that while feelings are real, they are not
reality. I also realize that they tend to be self-fulfilling. So if there is something coming, help me bear it. If there is not something coming, help
me feel my feelings but not let them control my life. This is Dysthymia, not some pronouncement of destiny by the Oracle! It is a fact of life, like
having 10 toes or being an addict. It is something I must deal with. But I do need your help. Help this feeling drive me back to you. If that is the
case then feeling this way will not have been wasted. There will indeed be a gift from you in it. Now, on with the 17th day of sobriety.
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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Tiphereth
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| posted on 12-8-10 at 02:13 AM |
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Charge on MrBadger! I see that God has already gotten you to Day 17 again.
I empathize with your feeling "like there was some sort of trial coming my way and that what ever it is it's my fault." In some ways, confronting and
coming to terms with ourselves can seem like a Kafkaesque nightmare, the tricks we can play on ourselves...
I will join you in your prayers...
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MrBadger
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| posted on 12-8-10 at 10:59 AM |
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Day 18 / 31.4 – Under the weather today. So maybe the down feeling was the forewarning of an incubating bug. Or maybe feeling down brought on the
illness. Either way, I'm “out” for the day. The immediate benefit (and problem) with not medicating is that I (again) have to face this low level but
chronic depression, Dysthymia. And the most immediate, the most obvious cause and effect is how I feel about my work. It's a chicken and egg problem
because the way I feel makes it hard for me to concentrate, I'm less productive and make mistakes, and that makes me fee worse. Or maybe the job
situation really isn't right and that's reflected in the way I feel which makes it harder to go on. Either way again, I need to address the feeling
and the work situation and find “the next right thing.” I keep giving this to God and he keeps saying “be patient”. And I will pay attention to that
and not blindly jump on some solution and go running off on my own. But I believe that the few weeks of constant sobriety may have given me the space
for God to say “OK, now let's start taking a look at this job situation and I can now guide you through to what I have for you.” I think that the
first step in listening to the voice of God is to “Pay Attention!” So, I'm paying attention and listening for what it is that God wants me to do. And
I think the first thing I'm hearing is that I should stay more focused on what they're paying me to do and not let my mind go blank and wander so
much. OK, that's something concrete. It means not letting those feelings overwhelm me as I work – any more than I should let them overwhelm me and
lead me back to my addiction. In the end, it is the same thing causing the troubles in both arenas. I'm letting these feelings take over and control
me. What to do? Same as in the addiction I guess. When I feel them, acknowledge them, and then release them to God who is infinitely more able to deal
with them than I. Thank you Lord for guiding me through these areas of my life. “I believe, help my unbelief / distrust.” I know that I have only a
grain of mustard seed when it comes to trusting you. But I know that you can work with the smallest spark and create a roaring bond fire from it. I am
becoming willing to allow you to work that in me. That spark of willingness is all I have. I give it to you.
Tiphereth, thanks, I do appreciate your prayers. (I looked up your "handle" [I assume that's a handle that you chose intentionally - but if not...]
and very much resonate with "the force that integrates" - it describes the thing that I need, to pull together the divided parts of my soul and
reintegrate it into a whole being. And the Christian connotation of the Christ I think is part of that for I believe that was the mission of the
Christ, to bring together God and man.)
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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MrBadger
Power Poster
Posts: 956
Registered: 30-12-09
Location: Oregon
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| posted on 13-8-10 at 09:02 AM |
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Day 19 / 31.5 – Well, another day to be thankful that I don't suffer from triscadecaphobia! Yesterday turned out OK, even if I started out not feeling
very well. The dysthymia remains a dragging anchor in the background, but it is manageable. Someone noted that they didn't much like the
“surrendering” part of 12-step – and I kind of agree. I don't like it much either. It tends to make me a bit fatalistic – whatever is going to happen
will happen. But I also understand the importance of acknowledging my true condition with respect to the addiction and the rest of the world. It is a
fact that I don't run the universe and the sooner I learn that the sooner I'll get aligned with reality. I continue to insist on two things. First, I
do have some measure of freedom. God doesn't create robots. Second, my condition and the condition of the world was NOT God's design or intent. Rather
the world is the way it is and I am the way I am because of the misuse of freedom, both mine and others. God works to restore in me and in all his
children the freedom to choose again, to give us back the freedom to undo the bad choices we have made and to choose to no longer be under the
addiction's power. But my part is not much more than to be willing to participate in that process. I have a choice, but it is a fairly small one. I
choose to be willing to be made willing... Which is what I do now for today. Lord, I am willing to be taught. You're going to have to take it from
there on day 19.
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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Tiphereth
Registered
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| posted on 14-8-10 at 02:43 AM |
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Hi MrBadger,
I did not know I had such handle! It is not appearing for me anywhere... but it would be ideal! I am right with you, we need the force that
reintegrates the divided parts of our soul into the real being. One might also say that our consciousness is trapped in many desires, and that we can
pray God gives us the comprehension to free that consciousness...
Anyway I do appreciate your journal! And I'm interested in that book by the Tibetan Buddhist about demon-feeding you mentioned somewhere, I'll have to
look for that...
Tomorrow I join you in the double digit club! Let's keep going...
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MrBadger
Power Poster
Posts: 956
Registered: 30-12-09
Location: Oregon
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| posted on 14-8-10 at 06:31 AM |
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Day 20 / 31.6 – Another long day yesterday. And today is apparently going to be one also since I couldn't sleep and am up early. But you never know,
maybe I'll get some more shut eye after the journal entry – though it's starting to get light. Let's see. What to write? I guess I'm going through one
of those times when I don't really have the compulsion to act out, but I don't have much hope of not feeling this way forever. Rather than being a
hopeful and grateful recovering addict, right now it just seems like life is going to drag on like this forever. Not in the grips of compulsion, but
not really very happy either. I know, “This too shall pass.” But when one is in the middle of the down time... well, it looks endless. Did have a good
talk with one of my “team mates” from my Monday night meeting. I feel a connection with this one man in particular. Not that his story is the same as
mine, it's in fact very different. But it seems to have brought him to a similar view of life as mine – minus the Dysthymia perhaps. Anyway, it's good
to know I'm not alone. My “conversations with God” seem to have quieted down and are not much more than the “God, Help!” addict's prayer. But I am
still doing that and it is still working. It's like... what I'm hearing back is “You already know the answer. You're just not ready to take the next
step.” Not really what I want to hear and so I tend to not bring up the subject. A rather perfect reflection of how I do life. So, Lord God of the
Universe. Thanks for standing patiently by while I thrash about. I know you're still there. I'll come back around to you. Just, please, I don't want
to slip back into the old patterns while I work through this. Lord, I want to stay connected to you, help thou my disconnectedness!
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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