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Hadinuff
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![[*]](./images/engage/default_icon.gif) posted on 13-7-10 at 01:02 PM |
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Hadinuff's journal
here we go.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 14-7-10 at 04:00 AM |
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tomorrow i will tell my wife, when she comes back to town from vacation.
yesterday i told my brother and he encouraged me so much.
i still have to find a therapist, support group and the like.
it is not that easy as i'm living in berlin.
i still have porn thoughts and urges. hope to get rid of them.
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Blue River
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Mood: Meandering
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| posted on 14-7-10 at 06:58 AM |
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Welcome to the board Hadinuff. Recovery is really rewarding and in time it opens the door to a richer and fuller life. But you're also getting a taste
of how hard some of it is. Stay with us and we can support you in your recovery 
Sounds like you are already doing some good things, but follow through on those promises to yourself. Don't worry about how difficult it is to find
support - I live in a fairly remote part of Australia and I have found excellent support online (here for example and in our SAA Skype meetings) and
through lots of books. There's always someone out there who can help, and it helps our recoveries as well to help others.
Do what's right, let those thoughts go, and keep in touch!
Blue River
Happiness, wisdom and peace are always inside us - we just have to sit still long enough to notice.
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TimM
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| posted on 14-7-10 at 08:13 AM |
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There's a list of SLAA meetings in Germany here http://slaa.de/meetings . They give an e-mail
contact for English speaking meetings in Berlin, if that's more comfortable for you than German.
SA also has meetings in Berlin. There's contact info at http://www.anonyme-sexsuechtige.de/meetings-kontakt.gif
Tim M.
"We try, and we try, and we fail; and then we go deeper." -Suzuki Roshi
"In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion." -Machig Labdrön
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 15-7-10 at 06:05 AM |
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yep.
my wife is coming back to town in 2-3 hours. i'm going to tell her my secret.
i am afraid she'll kick me out.
but i don't think she will. she knows i love her.
Mood: optimistic.
oh, and today i'll go to my first SLAA meeting! yeah!
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 15-7-10 at 10:14 AM |
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I JUST TOLD MY WIFE.
she is pisses. she found out I have been lying to her for 4 years. I'm scared shitless. I hope she won't dump me.
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Blue River
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| posted on 16-7-10 at 07:24 AM |
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Wow, you have shown some enormous courage! Talking from my wife's experience, your wife will be on a roller-coaster of a ride from now on. We were up
and down for a long time, but you are showing her you are serious about change by telling her before you were 'caught out'. Going to the SLAA meeting
and being involved in a community of recovery will also be important.
Your wife will need her own recovery as well - we have changed our partners' lives by revealing the truth. Understanding addiction is important for
you both to have some context to this. The partners on this forum could tell you more about their recovery process.
Stay the course! Your actions and behaviour will speak louder than words like 'sorry' and 'I love you'. Show yourself and your wife that you are
determined to change.
Blue River
Happiness, wisdom and peace are always inside us - we just have to sit still long enough to notice.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 16-7-10 at 08:59 AM |
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Absolutly right.
At first she was very mad at me.
But when we met again yesteday night, we admitted we wanted to stay together. We talked about the problems - for instance, about my constant feeling
of insecurity and her having to be my "mom", the one who takes care of everything, in many respects. Anyway we have a long way to go, and we HAVE to
see a couples-counselor.
(oh, and we had great sex afterwards. our first sex since November 2009!)
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 18-7-10 at 02:58 AM |
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OK, so we're on a new way. The first step was hard, but good, because now my wife knows and we can go on together, more serious than before.
But it's still very hard, because of the problems I have with myself . Problems, the outlet of which was porn.
I need the human warmth of other people so bad, and this is what brings me here to this forum everyday. I just feel lonely. Not that I don't have
friends: I do, and they love me very much. They're not the problem.
The problem is, it is very hard for me to expose my inner needing self to their love. I do so much to gain people's love (sometimes too much), but
when I get it, I somehow avoid it.
Also here, I am afraid of writing how much I am in need. I don't want to get on anybody's nerves, or kidnap anybody's thread.
Boy, is this tiring.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 19-7-10 at 06:37 AM |
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This morning too me and my SO woke up and had sex. But after that I felt depressed. I still feel that I don't want to, or don't know how to be me.
This war against myself drives me crazy.
I have a list of to-do's for today, I hope I can get at least something done.
I can bearly write one coherent post, I feel like I want to break away  .
I'll try to work from now until the evening. I should be able to do it.
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UkPaul
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| posted on 19-7-10 at 02:54 PM |
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Just keep with it, fight the downs and enjoy the ups.
Sorry I can't write more- pretty tired. Let us know how you are doing, and don't be scared of writing too much- it's your journal!
Cheers,
UkPaul
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 22-7-10 at 07:19 AM |
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Thanks!!!
It's gonna be tough but there absolutely no other way.
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IWantToBeFree
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| posted on 23-7-10 at 10:56 AM |
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Hey Hadinuff,
Just wanted to say thank you for the encouraging words. We're all fighting this together. We can do it.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 24-7-10 at 06:49 AM |
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Day 24 of being clean. Not bad. Rather good. 
I have so much to do, work, studies, etc. I promise myself I will turn the computer on only for those things, and then I find myself in this forum
again. Well, it seems I really NEED it. Therefore I declare that from now on, I will always go to this forum when I turn the computer on. It really
helps me feel good and it's not like being addicted to some P thing (P as in "piece of shit").
Plus, like I already wrote, me and my wife returned to having sex, after about 9 month of not touching each other (prior to which there were also
several months of hardly doing anything together).
Sex with your SO is great. If you don't have a SO, then sex with someone real can also be enjoyable. But fantasizing about it while watching P is
crap.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 24-7-10 at 02:43 PM |
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I almost slipped 2 hours ago. And I wasted the whole day on listening to music in the internet, instead of working.
I figured I may as well write here.
It's hard. Hard. Hard
Another attempt at working --
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Brad
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| posted on 25-7-10 at 01:21 AM |
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Come on man! Focus on your wife! Keep it up bro! FOCUS!!!
...I mean.....take a look at your hand....go on....a REAL GOOD look at your hand.
....Then...think of your wife. Think about her face, her eyes, her body..every part. Think about how nice it is to have her next to you...how warm
and soft. ...think about how her skin feels....how if feels to have her head on your shoulder...how her warm breath feels, as she trustingly sleeps
next to you....her heart beating next to yours.
Then, look at your hand again....
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 25-7-10 at 06:51 AM |
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thanks Brad.
it is still difficult, but getting better. i think. I need now to concentrate on my work. and I seem to be succeeding.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 25-7-10 at 08:01 AM |
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just wasted some time listening to music.
this is not really acting out, not watching porn, but i do feel it's kind of a "white" acting out.
on the other hand i am making progress and have managed not to look at porn today and yesterday although it was not easy.
plus i fixed the problem in windows update, talked to a fellow addict to get and give some support. 
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 25-7-10 at 08:51 AM |
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reminder for myself:
my wife is so good 
porn is so bad 
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UkPaul
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| posted on 25-7-10 at 02:02 PM |
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Hi Hadnuff,
My other big distraction apart from P used to be my PS3 - although that's gone now! I realized it was just another way for me tune out and not deal
with things. I've started to try and fill my time productively. I can't work all the time, so I read alot now, meditate, spend time with my SO, and go
out on my bike.
I feel alot better now knowing I'm doing things that help support my battle with P
Cheers,
UkPaul
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 29-7-10 at 01:43 AM |
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u got it right, UkPaul.
still struggling, but clean for 3 weeks now.
urgent assignments:
- finishing my masters thesis
- finding a therapist
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 29-7-10 at 04:20 AM |
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It's getting better all the time
Man I was mean but I'm changing my scene, and I'm doing the best that I can
(Lennon/McCartney)
Porn is boring.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 30-7-10 at 11:26 AM |
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Right, and now I MUST LEAVE THIS FORUM because I have to WORK.
(By the way, I think today is my 30th day of being squeaky clean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Although I wasted some time on staring at the wall, I did invite my wife to an Italian restaurant, where we had a good talk!)
Porn is boring.
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New Music
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| posted on 30-7-10 at 01:59 PM |
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Hi
Yo Hadinuff,
Admire your courage, your on the right track. This forum is the place to be, your doing the right thing
All the best with your recovery
NM
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 31-7-10 at 07:18 AM |
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Thank you, Music.
I don't write much about myself, that is, I don't write much in this journal. And when I do, I always shout at myself that I need to work on my MA and
finish it. Which is true, of course, as all my loved one know very well. Still, shouting at myself is not the way. Simply not. I deserve more.
Actually, It's not that I deserve "more", because shouting is really not giving me anything. I deserve something real. Real support. I think I will go
to that caffee and work there.
By the way, one whole month without p or mb is behind me!
Porn is boring.
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