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Hadinuff
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![[*]](./images/engage/default_icon.gif) posted on 31-7-10 at 07:39 AM |
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Bad things that once were:
- Not cleaning my apartment for one year (!)
- Going to bed every night, naturally alone, with a roll of toilet paper by the side of the bed, so that I didn't have to get up if I wanted to
masturbate
- Taking a shower while deliberately leaving the window open, so that woman neighbors might see me (the closest I would ever arrive at having sex with
a woman, I then thought)
- Reading the personal letters of other people, for instance of a friend in whose house I once stayed
- Believing that my mother is perfect and letting her run my life
Man I was mean, but I'm changing my scene, and I'm doing the best that I can
Porn is boring.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 31-7-10 at 01:38 PM |
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A wonderful thing I just did:
I managed to very quickly write a 400-word expose in order to give a lecture at a coming conference! If you knew me, you won't believe it!
Porn is boring.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 1-8-10 at 04:41 AM |
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it is haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard
Porn is boring.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 1-8-10 at 05:14 AM |
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I find it so hard to concentrate 
gotta do it
gotta finish this f---ing MA
Porn is boring.
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TimM
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| posted on 1-8-10 at 05:19 AM |
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What would make it easier to concentrate? Sometimes for me the answer is to take a break and go for a run. Is there something that settles you
down?
Tim M.
"We try, and we try, and we fail; and then we go deeper." -Suzuki Roshi
"In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion." -Machig Labdrön
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Brad
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| posted on 1-8-10 at 05:33 AM |
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For me, it helps to get quiet, and deeply visualize how great whatever it is, is going to come out....how awesome the artistry of it will be, and then
focus on only that one, next step...then just fully enjoy nothing but doing that single, next step.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 1-8-10 at 06:32 AM |
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I don't what would help me. Maybe eating something. I'll go get something to eat.
oh yes - and not using the internet.
thank you very much for your help, guys! 
Porn is boring.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 1-8-10 at 08:34 AM |
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still struggling. 
Porn is boring.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 1-8-10 at 11:16 AM |
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I have a problem.
I am not the problem.
Porn is boring.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 1-8-10 at 11:21 AM |
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they cut the forest down to build a piece of crap
Porn is boring.
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TimM
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| posted on 1-8-10 at 01:05 PM |
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You talked earlier about finding a support group. Are there folks you can talk to locally about your feelings? A phone call can make an amazing
difference.
Tim M.
"We try, and we try, and we fail; and then we go deeper." -Suzuki Roshi
"In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion." -Machig Labdrön
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Brad
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| posted on 1-8-10 at 07:50 PM |
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....that, or go make love to your woman.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 2-8-10 at 05:47 AM |
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Well, I did start with a support group. It's very helpful. I talk regularly with one of the guys there. Perhaps I should call him.
Anyway, yesterday did turn out to be ok. I did get work done and I'm closer to finishing my MA and that would mean a huge burden has been lifted!
I'm in desperate need of attention and love, like always. That's why I visit this forum so frequently. I love this forum. Thank you guys.
Porn is boring.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 2-8-10 at 06:33 AM |
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and, Brad, I feel having sex with my wife is not always a solution when I feel bad about myself. Sex should come from feeling good about myself, and
wanting to be close to her.
Porn is boring.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 2-8-10 at 06:39 AM |
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Somehow writing here is more difficult than reading what others write. Maybe because I don't need to do much, just read. On the other hand I do write
posts there, too.
I feel weak, but I know I've made a tremendous effort in the last year. Hell, I even disclosed the p issue to my wife. And I've almost finished my MA.
This is unbelievable, I've been working on it since 2005 and for years couldn't see it happening. Now it's almost 100% complete, yippeee!!!
Porn is boring.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 2-8-10 at 07:28 AM |
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it's hard. those p images are ingraved in my mind. i hope that, with time, they will fade away.
Porn is boring.
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TimM
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| posted on 2-8-10 at 07:55 AM |
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| Quote: | | ....that, or go make love to your woman. |
Is that something that works for you, Brad, or
just something that seems like it hypothetically might? My own experience, and I think that of a lot of others, is that addiction and physical
relations with significant others coexist with perfect ease. So while it may seem reasonable that this approach would make a difference, I don't
believe it actually does.
Just how it's worked (or in this case, not worked) for me, of course.
Tim M.
"We try, and we try, and we fail; and then we go deeper." -Suzuki Roshi
"In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion." -Machig Labdrön
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TimM
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| posted on 2-8-10 at 08:05 AM |
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| Quote: | | those p
images are ingraved in my mind. i hope that, with time, they will fade away. |
I think that as we stop needing
them, craving them, coveting them, returning to them, they indeed lose their ubiquitous urgency. But it is a problem. One of the arguments the
Orthodox Church gives for the importance of icons in prayer is that what we take in with our eyes becomes deeply implanted in our souls. If that's
true, then we need to be doubly careful about what we behold. We've obviously made things a part of ourselves that lead us one a very different path
than the holy icons.
Tim M.
"We try, and we try, and we fail; and then we go deeper." -Suzuki Roshi
"In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion." -Machig Labdrön
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Brad
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| posted on 2-8-10 at 10:17 AM |
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| Quote: | Originally posted by Hadinuff
and, Brad, I feel having sex with my wife is not always a solution when I feel bad about myself. Sex should come from feeling good about myself, and
wanting to be close to her.
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No.
Sex with your wife is not about your feelings. Sex with your wife comes from the fact that you committed entirely and exclusively and
permanently your sexuality to her. What was it that you thought you were doing when to took your marriage VOWS?
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 2-8-10 at 02:23 PM |
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It comes from several things: feelings, commintment etc. As a matter of fact, the commitment followed the feelings, not vice versa. The heart is what
matters. But that is also what you meant. Anyway, I was just saying, when I feel down because of porn, in that very moment, seeking sex is a bad idea.
At least for me. When I feel bad about myself I need to talk to somebody about it. It could well be my wife, or a friend, or people in this forum.
Porn is boring.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 2-8-10 at 02:24 PM |
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Just finished writing the MA's summary! Getting nearer to my goal!
Porn is boring.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 2-8-10 at 02:33 PM |
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My disclosure to my wife has led to other beneficial results. We talk more openly now about the future, about whether we'll have kids and how to bring
them up. Things I hardly dared to address because they were so volatile. A host of things, like religion, that I have been avoiding. And now I start
to discover how these topics are negotiable, after all; how agreement can be reached if it is sought for. Thank God!
By the way, I have erotic fantasies about my wife again... nothing I will disclose here... 
Porn is boring.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 3-8-10 at 05:00 AM |
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struggling, wasting time on useless internet sites (do I need to learn about ancient Egypt now? no), ...... and returning to work
Porn is boring.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 3-8-10 at 06:57 AM |
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it's so damn hard
Porn is boring.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 3-8-10 at 07:45 AM |
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finished another part of the MA
Porn is boring.
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