needsomehelp10
Registered
Posts: 28
Registered: 13-7-10
Member Is Offline
|
![[*]](./images/engage/default_icon.gif) posted on 13-7-10 at 10:31 PM |
|
|
Lost My Way
Hi,
New to the board. I've been free for about two weeks. Also have been 1 week without alcohol (the other addiction). Not being hungover makes the job
easier.
I'm heavily depressed because I've been in a denial cloud for the last few years created by the drink. I'm now thinking of all filth I've mb'd to over
long periods of time and hating myself for it.
wish I'd known more about this in the early days.
|
|
|
tryingtobebetter
Registered
Posts: 12
Registered: 12-7-10
Member Is Offline
|
| posted on 14-7-10 at 02:38 AM |
|
|
| Quote: | Originally posted by needsomehelp10
wish I'd known more about this in the early days.
|
Stay strong. It seems it is never too late. I am not an expert and am just astounded at your 2 weeks. To me that is phenomenal! That in itself is an
achievement.
|
|
|
polyhigh
Member
Posts: 75
Registered: 7-7-10
Location: The other side of the world
Member Is Offline
|
| posted on 14-7-10 at 03:34 AM |
|
|
Yea man, Keep at it and welcome! its amazing for sure, 2 weeks. not sure what advice to give regarding giving up 2 addictions at the same time, but
keep coming here and sharing how its going...I'm pulling for you! : )
porn free since Aug 15, 2010
"All of man's trouble stem from his inability to sit quietly in a room alone" - Blaise Pascal
"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time" - F.C.
|
|
|
Blue River
Super Administrator
Posts: 559
Registered: 7-4-08
Location: Australia
Member Is Offline
Mood: Meandering
|
| posted on 14-7-10 at 06:43 AM |
|
|
Welcome to PAI needsomehelp. It's actually quite common for addicts to have multiple addictions as many of us did anything to stay in that denial
cloud.
Keep posting and keep coming back here to tell us how you're going. Check out the Getting Started Guide http://www.pornaddictioninfo.com/boards/viewthread.php?tid=4200 if you haven't already.
All the best,
Blue River
Happiness, wisdom and peace are always inside us - we just have to sit still long enough to notice.
|
|
|
needsomehelp10
Registered
Posts: 28
Registered: 13-7-10
Member Is Offline
|
| posted on 14-7-10 at 08:51 PM |
|
|
| Quote: | Originally posted by tryingtobebetter
To me that is phenomenal! That in itself is an achievement. |
cheers. I'm talking internet pa. On reflection it's been 1 week since I've mb'd to degrading thoughts ie slipping a quick one in before getting up for
work. I'd say I should include this because it's still sa.
|
|
|
needsomehelp10
Registered
Posts: 28
Registered: 13-7-10
Member Is Offline
|
| posted on 14-7-10 at 10:16 PM |
|
|
Thanks for the replies.
Made an appointment with a gp tomorrow for a referral to a psych.
|
|
|
needsomehelp10
Registered
Posts: 28
Registered: 13-7-10
Member Is Offline
|
| posted on 15-7-10 at 08:17 PM |
|
|
Read step 1 and answered some of the questions. I'm starting to see how the inability to cope with day to day life, let alone challenges, is a major
factor. My SO has been through alot.
|
|
|
needsomehelp10
Registered
Posts: 28
Registered: 13-7-10
Member Is Offline
|
| posted on 16-7-10 at 04:05 AM |
|
|
Visited the GP and gave all the details of my A & P addictions. He took alot of notes and asked some confronting questions. Admitting I'd spent
full days or nights with my PA virtually non stop was tough. Advised I'd rarely catered to my PA when drunk. But when hungover it was unavoidable. Got
a referral for a psychiatrist. He identified OCD as an/the underlying illness. Prescribed me Paroxetine which I'll start next week.
|
|
|
needsomehelp10
Registered
Posts: 28
Registered: 13-7-10
Member Is Offline
|
| posted on 17-7-10 at 03:57 AM |
|
|
9 days of no addictive behaviour. I actually see myself as quite ill for the first time in my life. Not just the PA, other disorders I'd looked into
in the past but not with any conviction. This is coming out in the step 1 questions.
I don't have any desire to partake in any addiction. This is not through any great willpower or recovery, I just have a great sense of loss as I
revisit the last 15 years of damage in my life sober.
Looking forward to some therapy.
|
|
|
TimM
Power Poster
Posts: 1882
Registered: 16-8-07
Location: Rural Midwest, USA
Member Is Offline
|
| posted on 17-7-10 at 07:35 AM |
|
|
Great work talking with your GP! How are you feeling after that conversation? For me, it can be wonderfully freeing to discover that it's possible
to talk about thing I have always hidden and have people not recoil in disgust but accept me in love and as somebody normal but needing a little
help.
Keep it up!
Tim M.
"We try, and we try, and we fail; and then we go deeper." -Suzuki Roshi
"In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion." -Machig Labdrön
|
|
|
needsomehelp10
Registered
Posts: 28
Registered: 13-7-10
Member Is Offline
|
| posted on 17-7-10 at 02:08 PM |
|
|
Hi Tim,
I did feel some initial sense of relief after giving so much detail to my GP and he take it very seriously. If he'd brushed me off I would have felt
pretty bad.
The dominating feelings of guilt/loss are taking care of any potential to feel free. Long way to go there. One day I hope 
|
|
|
Blue River
Super Administrator
Posts: 559
Registered: 7-4-08
Location: Australia
Member Is Offline
Mood: Meandering
|
| posted on 18-7-10 at 03:06 AM |
|
|
| Quote: | Originally posted by needsomehelp10
The dominating feelings of guilt/loss are taking care of any potential to feel free. Long way to go there. One day I hope
|
It all takes time, but you can learn to not regret the past nor to shut the door on it. You aren't wasting your life now, and that's a good thing.
Stay strong!
Blue River
Happiness, wisdom and peace are always inside us - we just have to sit still long enough to notice.
|
|
|
needsomehelp10
Registered
Posts: 28
Registered: 13-7-10
Member Is Offline
|
| posted on 18-7-10 at 10:26 PM |
|
|
Thanks for your words Blue River.
Day 2 of paroxetine. Finding it hard to get back to the twelve steps because of the painful process of exposing the truth of the past.
Some changes are happening through self observation e.g when I'm at the shopping centre. Looking at women and relating to them as loving members of
someones family as opposed to something object for me to look at is a relatively simple change to make.
Waiting on call back from psychiatrist for 1st appointment. Meeting with local priest in two days.
|
|
|
TimM
Power Poster
Posts: 1882
Registered: 16-8-07
Location: Rural Midwest, USA
Member Is Offline
|
| posted on 19-7-10 at 06:01 AM |
|
|
It's great you're taking it so seriously. Great work!
Do you know the Serenity Prayer that we often say at our meetings? "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference?"
What we cannot change is the past. But we can look at it honestly - which will not change it for the worse either - in order to make the future,
which we can change, different. That does take courage. Lots of it. Keep walking toward that goal, though, one step and one breath at a time.
Tim M.
"We try, and we try, and we fail; and then we go deeper." -Suzuki Roshi
"In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion." -Machig Labdrön
|
|
|
needsomehelp10
Registered
Posts: 28
Registered: 13-7-10
Member Is Offline
|
| posted on 19-7-10 at 11:17 PM |
|
|
I haven't paid alot of attention to the spiritual side of my life Tim. Thought about it alot but haven't put time to it. The courgage and wisdom I
think I can achieve. The serenity to accept is a tough one. Lot's of damage.
Got an appointment with a psychiatrist for 2 weeks time which is v. good given the shortage of these services.
|
|
|
needsomehelp10
Registered
Posts: 28
Registered: 13-7-10
Member Is Offline
|
| posted on 21-7-10 at 06:41 AM |
|
|
Had my appointment with the priest today.
I did alot of talking and he listening. Amongst other things we discussed S drive and it's true purpose.
He's going to see me weekly for spiritual guidance therapy and meditation.
|
|
|
needsomehelp10
Registered
Posts: 28
Registered: 13-7-10
Member Is Offline
|
| posted on 23-7-10 at 04:59 PM |
|
|
feels like i've had a reversal of sorts. Really noticing how much V and S is on TV and finding it hard to deal with. Material I've read talks about
people with high moral standards and shame in relation to S drive being candidates for PA. I can see that in myself.
Paroxetine having an affect. I notice I'm not obsessing over things.
|
|
|
needsomehelp10
Registered
Posts: 28
Registered: 13-7-10
Member Is Offline
|
| posted on 25-7-10 at 02:59 AM |
|
|
Back to work tomorrow after a couple of weeks off.
What was going to be a relaxing break has turned out to be a frightening awakening into the downard spiral my addictions had created.
Work life balance really important now I'm ~ 3 weeks sober (A & P).
|
|
|
needsomehelp10
Registered
Posts: 28
Registered: 13-7-10
Member Is Offline
|
| posted on 31-7-10 at 07:17 AM |
|
|
A free for 3.5 weeks. I can see why A is known as "The D*v*ls Water". I'm now seeing how A-ism was destroying me and feeding my PA by making denial
very easy.
My A-ism was binge drinking for 25 years and only became A-ism (every day) the last couple of years. My PA has always been in binges, followed by
guilt, disgust, abstaining. It tended to co-incide with times of conflict with other people.
Had a second meeting with the priest. We talked alot about the true meaning of S drive and the concept of becoming whole. Have started a 6 week
healing course. I've been thinking alot about the people in the images and movies I looked at online. When I think of the pain in their lives and
realise there is a real person behind the picture, it changes perspective.
I've replaced PA/A-ism time with reading the books I've picked up from the priest and sleeping alot. My poor body/mind/soul has been thrashed for
years  .
The paroxetine is keeping me level but anxiety and depression set in as it wears off and the next tab kicks in. Not nearly as difficult as A-ism
though and has diminished my PA as opposed to feeding it.
Seeing the Psychiatrist for first visit in 3 days. Although I'm travelling OK I really have a strong desire to learn what's behind my years of self
destructive behaviour. I have a fair idea based on my past but why I allowed myself to get so bad is something I don't fully understand - given I can
maintain a relatively normal life at home, work and in the community.
|
|
|
needsomehelp10
Registered
Posts: 28
Registered: 13-7-10
Member Is Offline
|
| posted on 4-8-10 at 06:57 AM |
|
|
First visit to the psychiatrist today. Didn't take long to get to my childhood experiences as the root cause of my OCD, anxiety PA etc etc. Talked
about supressed anger and how PA is not just about the addictive high but also about being an outlet for suppressed anger. Pretty mentally exhausting
to revisit things from years ago.
Met with the priest after and shared my psych experience and worked more on spiritual healing.
Not sure who reads my journal but if you are I'd advise that you don't wait as long as I have to reach out for help. Fear of people knowing about our
addiction/s is the thing that is stopping you getting the help you deserve.
|
|
|
MrBadger
Power Poster
Posts: 956
Registered: 30-12-09
Location: Oregon
Member Is Offline
|
| posted on 5-8-10 at 08:15 AM |
|
|
I'm with you on sending the message "Don't wait like I did!" Still, it's never too late, is it? Living the time we have, whatever that may be, in
sobriety is still a gift and a blessing.
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
|
|
|
