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Brad
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![[*]](./images/engage/default_icon.gif) posted on 24-7-10 at 02:31 AM |
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Brad Rants...
I'm SO BORED with myself! I WANT A LIFE!
I don't WANT to be an "ADDICT"!
I am a SEXUAL BEING!!! I HAVE SEX ORGANS! I HAVE A MIND!
All I need is CONTROL over my SEXUALITY!....Over my LIFE! Is that so hard?
WHY WHY WHY should this be so bloody difficult?!!!
I DO NOT ACCEPT THAT THIS SHOULD BE SO HARD!!!
I HAVE FREE WILL!!! (I have capital letters!)
I WANT OUT! TO LIVE MY LIFE AND TO BE FREE!!!
I DON'T WANT TO COUNT DAYS! THAT IS NOT RECOVERY!
I DON'T WANT TO HAUNT MEETINGS! THAT IS NOT RECOVERY!
I DON'T WANT TO DO 12 STEPS! THAT IS NOT RECOVERY!
I DON'T WANT GUILT AND SHAME! THAT IS NOT RECOVERY!
I WANT TO BE FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WANT TO LIVE A TERRIFIC, EXCITING LIFE!
I WANT TO BE FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT!
I WANT TO BED A GOOD WOMAN!
DO NOT CALL ME AN ADDICT! I AM A FREE MAN!
I WILL BE FREE, DAMMIT!!!!!
I WILL BE THE PERSON I DREAM ABOUT BEING!
JUST WATCH ME!
GGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!
.....that is all for now. Thank you.
The skull is cool.
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Brad
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| posted on 25-7-10 at 01:19 AM |
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THIS IS RIDICULOUS!
WE ARE TALKING ABOUT PICTURES OF WOMEN! WHY SHOULD IT BE SO BLOODY DIFFICULT TO DIRECT OUR ATTENTIONS ELSEWHERE?!!!
IT'S A PAGE! AN IMAGE ON A SCREEN!
IT'S MOSTLY NOT EVEN REAL!
IT'S ACTING, AND MAKEUP, AND EDITING, AND PHOTOSHOPPING!
THERE IS AN ENTIRE CAMERA CREW IN THE ROOM WITH THE ACTORS!!! ...SCRATCHING THEIR ASSES, AND EATING DONUTS!
IT'S FAKE!
WHAT KIND OF MEN ARE WE?!!
AND HOW IS IT WE GOT SO DAMNED WEAK!???
THIS SHOULD BE SIMPLE!!!!
MAN UP!
LET'S BE MEN!!!!!!
LET'S STOP OURSELVES!!!
LET'S PICK OURSELVES UP, AND LOOK ELSEWHERE!!
1. DIRECT THOUGHT ELSEWHERE.
2. REPEAT.
3. REPEAT STEPS 1 & 2.
(sorry for the caps...I'm using them for effect.)
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Brad
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| posted on 25-7-10 at 11:57 PM |
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Ok, no more "all caps."
I've been using...pretty much all weekend.
The good news....I'm totally bored with regular filmed porn
The bad news....that live video chat...I LOVE IT! I'm having the time of my life!!!...especially the last one!
There's just one problem.
I cannot stop.
And I'm blowing through cash at breakneck speed.
I haven't had proper sex with a woman since 1989...and she was my first....besides fooling around once with one in like 1984.
I cuddled with my dream girl a few years ago....how's THAT for a tease. She got creeped out when she found out I never had a relationship....EVER.
It's like I've suddenly got 40 or so years of unreleased sexuality coming out at once.
That's why I just don't get you guys who manage to get women, then get hooked on porn...YOU'VE GOT IT RIGHT THERE, MAN!
Anyways. I think it's time I got some pro help. Like, yesterday.
I think I need to take this laptop to work, and just leave it there.
I hope they got their wifi password protected.
....I can still remember....
...I can remember what it felt like to not be addicted to anything.
...I truly miss those days.
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TimM
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| posted on 26-7-10 at 02:41 PM |
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Brad,
I hope you don't mind a somewhat stream of consciousness string of comments on your last few posts.
Your notion now that it's time to get professional help sooner rather than later makes sense to me. (This is not pushing you to do something you're
not ready for; it's affirming a decision you seem now to have made.)
When we talked about this before, you had four reactions to seeking out help quickly.
You wanted to find the right counselor and the right program. That makes total sense to me. I, too, spent some time interviewing counselors, seeking
recommendations from friends who knew about such things, and attending meetings and seeing what worked for me. That's not delay. It's starting the
process of moving forward.
You wanted to save some money. That's obviously a somewhat risky path, because it only works if you are saving money, not burning through it. It
sounds like you're finding that right now, not getting help is making you poorer, not richer, in which case I thoroughly approve of quitting while you
can. You may well be more sophisticated than I, but it was a surprise to me when I started seeing a counselor that my health insurance covered almost
all the cost. If you have insurance (or live in a country where the state covers such things), you may be pleasantly surprised at how affordable help
is. After paying the deductible (which I go through every year anyway because of other health issues), I only pay about $25/session. Not to put too
fine a point on it, but it's pretty easy to spend that much on staying addicted. Spending it on getting well is a lovely change.
You also said that you wanted to initiate total transformation and that you were struggling because of the feelings associated with your sister's
impending death. All that can only be greeted with compassion, but might not both those observations in fact be reasons for starting to work with
somebody now, not later?
In any case, going forward now seems like a good plan to me, too.
There's a lot I agree with in your rants. I'm not really a day counter, though I'm always inspired to hear somebody say something like, "My name's
Charlie, and I'm an alcoholic, and because of the power that I found in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I've been gratefully sober for 10,315
days, one day at a time." I absolutely agree that setting aside guilt and shame are critical to our recovery. I don't believe in haunting meetings
either - it's been more useful to me just to attend them. 
There are also some areas where my experience hasn't tallied with your rants. I have found a lot of recovery in the 12 steps, for instance. (Even if
you don't like all the steps, surely some of them are OK, no? For instance, "Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly
admitted it" must surely be more conducive to recovery than "Stopped taking personal inventory or admitting when we were wrong," isn't it?) And for
me, being called an addict is just a morally neutral descriptor of how I behave. Owning who I am and seeing myself clearly is part of seeing myself
gently and moving myself forward. Of course, if you look at yourself and don't see addictive behavior, then calling yourself an addict is obviously
wrong. But if that changes, then it's really possible to use that descriptor and live.
More deeply, though, your drive to be in control isn't something that worked for me. I'm pretty persuaded that the realm over which I'm in control is
a lot smaller than I once thought. As an American guy, that isn't what I was brought up to believe, but I've found a lot more peace and joy and
serenity and sobriety letting go and finding the strength of the reed than I ever did grasping for the strength of the oak.
All that's just me, and may have nothing to do with you, but if you ever find that the way to which your rants point isn't bringing you what you want,
do know that there are other paths that some have found useful.
Thanks, too, for sharing your experience so directly and honestly!
Peace,
Tim M.
"We try, and we try, and we fail; and then we go deeper." -Suzuki Roshi
"In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion." -Machig Labdrön
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Brad
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| posted on 28-7-10 at 12:15 AM |
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Thanks for your input. I've sought counseling in the past. The first time was a free program, with a clueless advanced student, who just kept
telling me that my "going to church fulfills a social need." Then, some years later (early 90's), I went to two of six sessions with a general
psychologist, who seemed to keep asking if I masturbate, and seemed very amused by my affirmative answer. I asked myself, "why am I telling this guy
all this?!" and never went back.
Also, in the mid 90's, I brought forth my problem to the elders of the church I was in leadership at (sound ministry). They tried doing an intensive
prayer treatment. We even did an outreach where we picketed the porn store I had frequented. Porn shop is still there...church is long gone. The
prayer treatment did nothing.
Anyways, I digress. Those attempts at treatment obviously were a discouragement. Now, I'm finally am realizing that there are better counselors
these days, that might be able to help.
To quote Dave Mustaine, leader of the band Megadeth, "...If there's a new way, I'll be the first in line, but it better work this time..."
And no, I'm not against anyone getting any progress they can. I've attended three A.A. meetings. One with a recovering alcoholic buddy, who was
trying to show me what his recovery was like, and two more, as a support for two people with alcohol problems. I just....I dunno..I just saw a lot of
nervous people smoking way too many cigarettes, and drinking way too much coffee, and just barely hanging on. ...They didn't seem much better off
than me.
And 12 steps....I mean, what, I'm supposed to go to that boss who fired me for being late, and tell him that I was up late too many nights, wanking to
porn, and that's why he had to fire me? I just didn't see how it applies.
Godspeed to you, if it works for you.
And "higher power"....meh.....God don't seem to care. I'm sorry.
And powerless against my addiction? Then it's hopeless, isn't it. There's GOT to be some kind of power in me that can stop...it's just pictures!
It's just a movie! There's GOT to be a way!
Personal inventory...that sounds intriguing. Been thinking about doing that.
Or even a time/money inventory...like a trucker's log book. Just how much time I waste. That might be an eye opener. And a personal inventory might
be an efficient way to introduce myself to a counselor. The ENORMOUS time it would take for a counselor to know me, would take forever, and cost a
fortune, and THAT has been a BIG deterrent from getting help.
Something I could bring in, and have it just read, would be wonderful.
I was a marijuana addict, for 8 years. I was a TOTAL pothead. One day, I just decided I didn't need it anymore...the desire simply left. Never
touched it since.
Then I dabbled in alcohol, until I just decided it was wrong, and never touched a drop since.
I've kept hoping that is going to happen for me like that, regarding porn.
And it did. I'm quite bored with porn.
Except now, this video chat has taken over...with a vengeance.
On the one hand, it's a sort of improvement....i'm done with the isolation of porn, and have moved on to the sociability of real life women--online at
least.
On the other hand, it's way more addictive, and expensive (killed another $100 today), and damaging to my outlook on women.
But I'll tell you what...I can feel the beginnings of what it feels like to be free.
I've been getting glimpses of that freedom--the sense of wonder...I can feel it again.
I think what happened today, was that I met a young lady today, who was for some reason, sitting in my sister's hospital room (my brother in law's
sister brought her for some reason...they were both very stupid and irritating). At first, I thought I might ask her out, but then I realized she was
a rude, irritating moron. And finally, my sister kicked everybody out...and thus robbed me of a visit with my sister.
If I had not been thinking about my needs, and had been thinking of my sister's I would have kicked her out, instead of thinking about dating her.
I was very upset when I got home, and, well....the girls on the chat site didn't seem like THEY would be so irritating!
...Boy...that sure sounds STUPID, now that it's written out.
Well anyways, if anyone reads this LONG post, thank you for your patience.
And BTW, I did a search for "Sexual Control" and got the site below. It REALLY resonates with me, and I think this is the approach that could really
work for me.
http://www.sexualcontrol.com/index.php
And also...the ranting thing was sort of an experiment...to see if I could 'rage' my way out of the addiction...it kinda works.
Thanks again. And Godspeed to ya!
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TimM
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| posted on 28-7-10 at 06:31 AM |
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| Quote: | | And
powerless against my addiction? Then it's hopeless, isn't it. |
No, not if you can find power somewhere else.
Not if the problem isn't one to be overcome by power, but one to be solved through changes that cause the desire to act out to be lifted. The program
slogan is that we're powerless but not helpless.
| Quote: | | And
"higher power"....meh.....God don't seem to care. |
Then find someone who does. One's higher power might be
one's own unconscious self or the group of people who have achieved sobriety one hasn't or lots of other things. And for me, God worked as a higher
power once I was able to get honest with myself and others, even though I had reached a point of a lot of anger with God.
But I'm not trying to argue you into doing something you don't want to do, just trying to remove some ideas about the program that are natural, but
not really right.
It's hard to know how to think about your experience with other addictions, isn't it? It may be that you're making real progress and only have one
more addiction left to overcome, which can be done with the same methods. It's also a truism that the easiest way to overcome an addiction is to pick
up another one. If that's what's happening, then the way out may need to involve a different path. Any sense of which of those two it is, or is that
something that still needs to unfold?
Peace,
Tim M.
"We try, and we try, and we fail; and then we go deeper." -Suzuki Roshi
"In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion." -Machig Labdrön
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 29-7-10 at 03:28 AM |
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Hi Brad,
look, I also don't want to push you into doing something you don't want to do, but I can recommend, only recommend, psychological treatment, and
support group.
The powerlessness thing - I don't know, it works for me. Actually, in a sense, what got me to porn in the first place is the feeling that I'm
powerless, unattractive, insecure, not sexy, not manly, weak, childish, pathetic, loser.
To overcome those feeling I used all kinds of miserable escape methods, and porn was one of them.
Where did it get me? It cost me so many precious hours of my life. Hours, turned into days, turned into weeks, turned into losing the best years of my
life. You don't get your twenties again.
Anyway, porn was just burying me deeper in my problems instead of helping me out. In order to get out, I had to, and have to, admit my feelings. Admit
them to myself. Be able to see them as they really are. Yes, I feel powerless. Yes, I feal weak and pathetic. But yes, other people, even all people,
feel weak and pathetic now and again - it's only natural! Nobody can be strong all the time.
So, admitting my powerlessness is just me admitting that I am human. And that means that I, too, can be loved (also that I can be the object of sexual
desire, but that's not the most important).
Yours Truly
Hadinuff
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Brad
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| posted on 29-7-10 at 04:47 AM |
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Yeah well, thanks.
I seem to have a bit of "daytime denial" going. Late at night, I embrace the need for help, then I wake up the next day, feeling independent, and
formidable, telling myself I can handle it.
Been an addict so long, I find it difficult to imagine life otherwise.
And Tim, with the other addictions, there was no method. They simply fell away. ...And so, I'm really not sure how to answer your question.
I'm 100% porn addict. There's no wife. No girlfriend. Never has been. Nothing to compare to.
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Brad
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| posted on 29-7-10 at 11:23 AM |
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"This guy goes to the doctor. ..says to the doctor, 'Doctor, it hurts when I do this.' Doctor says, 'well then, don't do that!"
...I keep going to the free porn site, "just to see what new vids have been posted--NOT to actually watch any videos"...then I click on the "live sex"
button--"Just to see what ladies are logged on--NOT to actually do any sessions! After all, that costs a lot of money!"
How about, "NOT GOING THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!"
Just "DON'T GO THERE!"
Or maybe this computer might have an unfortunate accident with an axe...or a train...or a long fall off a building.
When the last computer finally died, it was such a relief. It felt so good. I felt.....liberated.
I told them, and told them "Do not buy another computer."
Yet, here we are.
My guitar is looking really good right now. I'll see you later.
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Tecato Gusano
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| posted on 30-7-10 at 04:20 AM |
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Brad - funny you should mention that ... I have literally smashed two computers ... not in a fit of rage but rid my life of the portal to my addiction
... obviously didn't work ... turns out there are porn shops, hookers, strip clubs, computers at work and other computers to buy out there ... who
would have thunk it ... just highlighted the fact that I was addicted.
Anyway, I don't write this in the belief you were really thinking this was a solution for you or you were actually contemplating it ... just thought
it was funny ... kind of funny for me to recall it.
Thanks and keep coming back ... we all know there is a lot coming at you right now ... if you want it bad enough the proper path for you will show
itself soon enough ... as long as you keep searching.
New and struggling ... take it for what it is worth.
Thanks.
"I want to be able, as days go by, always to look myself straight in the eye." Edgar Guest
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Brad
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| posted on 30-7-10 at 04:31 AM |
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Managed to stay clean today, but that don't mean much, as I'm basically exhausted. Plus, moved the sister out of the hospital into a nursing
facility.
The REAL test will come as soon as I'm rested up, and alone.
The sex chat is so incredibly potent for me, that my nervous and adrenaline systems have been feeling enormously fatigued. Several times a day
lately, a sexual thought will just come to me, and my whole body will spasm, or even just want to spasm. I can just feel how having all the various
self-made drugs in my system are affecting my body and my mind. The system can only produce so much, and the system can only handle so much, until
I, and the glands responsible for producing the drugs are exhausted, and my nerves are just frazzled.
There's an eminent wall, where the cam-women can only satisfy so much, and then it's just about chasing the effect it had at the beginning. The part
that's missing is the other 50-60%, where it's just about chilling, and enjoying her company and such.
Plus, it's just too easy. There's no challenge in this. You pay, they love you.
That's just far too simple to be satisfying.
I think sooner than later, I am going to call that Joe guy.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 30-7-10 at 12:18 PM |
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Brad,
Listening to your struggle makes me want to do something to help... which of course I cannot do. No one outside of ourselves is going to "fix" us
addicts. We can get support, but the healing has to come from within. However, we don't have to do it alone. In fact, my experience is that it is
impossible to do it alone. A bit of a paradox, isn't it? I really resonate with the difficulty you're having in admitting that you are
"powerless". I'm a very self reliant guy and in most areas of my life I'm quite competent. I kept thinking that if I could just figure out the trick I
could conquer this thing too. Unfortunately, I could never find that trick. I did counseling, 12 step, everything I could think of. But nothing
revealed to me the trick that would allow me to make that change by myself. I was only when, 6 months ago, I finally came to realize that nothing was
going to change in me unless I got some help. And the only thing I could think of was a friend who found sobriety in 12 step. So I swallowed hard and
just went to the meetings. Eventually I came to realize that A. I couldn't do this alone, and that B. I was in fact powerless. I'd tried everything
and finally came to understand that I was beat. Unless something more than me came along I was toast. But the guys in my group, and the experiences of
others on this forum convinced me that if I let go of "doing it myself" recover was possible. I still struggle with wanting to take over and "do it
myself". And every time I do that I end up flat on my face in a "slip".
Your comments on the Higher Power are less along the lines of my own thinking so I'm not sure if I have anything to share with you there. I have
always been pretty certain that there was "something more" to the universe than our senses can tell us about - and even had a pretty good picture of
that "Higher Power" (if somewhat schizophrenic). All I can say is that I am finding that my recovery proceeds when I make that internal "connection"
with that larger part of the universe and think and feel and act in the context of allowing Him/Her/They/It to take over the things I cannot deal with
and to help me move on. I won't push my picture of God on you. But I do think that it is necessary to make some connection to something bigger than
you to find the power to do what you have not been able to do so far.
I hope you continue to share your thoughts and journey with us. We need you as much as you need us. So, Keep coming back!
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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Brad
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| posted on 31-7-10 at 02:56 AM |
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Thanks for your input, and your warm welcome.
Yes, I realize I can't do this alone. Right now, it seems I can't do it at all, as I just "dosed."
I was doing so good, too. All I had to do was get up and go to work. Instead, I went to the free porn site....then I went to the video chat...not
the crappy free one, the premium pay one.
It's amazing how fast it can happen.
I CHOSE to go there.
I CHOSE to cruise the women there.
I CHOSE to ALLOW myself to get ensorcelled by that one certain woman there.
I CHOSE to allow nearly 100 dollars to be spent on her.
In fact, when done, I CHOSE to stay on longer.
I CHOSE to enjoy her.
Even when that little voice said, "Dude. She IS incredibly and intensely hot, but you can shut this off, cut your loses, get up, and get going on
living." I CHOSE to stay on!
Back in the 80's and 90's, I got into the phone sex thing. That didn't go very far, because most of it was pretty stupid, lame, and you KNEW it was
some old lady in her bathrobe, who probably had a moustache, and needed to brush her teeth.
But THIS....This site has women who would probably be over $1000.00 an night as in-person prostitutes. And once they get started, I feel like a
little "queer" to bail. And to politely excuse myself is no better.
They say that "Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery."
I say bullcrap. I say "SEDUCTION is the most sincere form of flattery."
That chat site provides my ego with the seduction I crave.
I CHOOSE to escape my lonely, isolated life with the company these women provide.
And the thing is, THERE'S NO REASON FOR IT!!!
I've had SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many opportunities with such a WIDE range of REAL women, and was too lame, I genuinely think I should be SHOT. I do not
exaggerate.
I truly believe that. I'm "beatin' them off with a stick, only to end up beatin' off," and THAT'S one of my greatest sins.
I've been CHOOSING isolation so long, that I don't know how to do anything else.
So, to get back to what you were saying, to do the group thing, and to not do it alone...that is a skill I basically do not have. I don't know how.
Even in school, or at work, I can do groups, but not really.
And you said that you tried 12 steps, AND therapy, and that you considered that to be doing it alone? To me, those things are VERY interpersonal. I
thought those things by their very nature were so.
And, I come from a VERY spiritual church setting. I blame a LOT of the addiction on "The Higher Power." Yes! Why should I be able to call upon the
Higher Power, when the Higher Power is what BROUGHT ME UP to think SEX IS DIRTY?
Yes. Sex is DIRTY. So, when the Nice Girls approach, I can't relate. They aren't sexual beings at all. So I ignore them.
I've tried chasing the dirty girls, but I feel so GUILTY about SEX, because it's EVIL and DIRTY, I end up parilyzed.
So then PORN is all I can do. It's DIRTY SEX, the way the HIGHER POWER taught me, and I can drop it with little consequence as soon as the required
guilt sets in.
So, there you go.
I CHOSE chat sex with a breathtaking beauty of a woman whom I could never otherwise afford. And guess what, I ENJOYED it! I accept responsibility.
I WANTED to do it, and will WANT to do it in the future. I seem to be GOOD at it, too!
They don't usually get the kind of writing and comments from the others, as they get from me. It's usually pretty crude from the other perverts.
And I started doing it, because I couldn't take the regular porn anymore. I wanted to have contact with REAL women! And I'm having a GREAT time!
Just one problem.
I'm spending ALLLLLL my money.
And I don't have control over it.
And while it's better than regular porn, it's still not REAL.
And I'm using it to self-medicate.
And I'm still stunted with real relationships with real women.
And the only REAL way out I see, is to learn how to life a healthy life...which is very scary indeed.
Anyways, that's how I feel. Thanks for reading all that, hope it's not too rambling...and here's to our sobriety!
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Brad
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| posted on 31-7-10 at 07:46 AM |
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I just chose to go back to the chat site, and delete all my "favorites." I have no favorites there. Just...get rid of the furniture in that place.
I may be weak, but I'm not THAT weak.
I may be stupid, but I'm not THAT stupid. It may be strong, but it is not THAT strong.
This really is life or death...some small chance of surviving as a person, or dying out on the street.
Porn is one thing, THIS.....this is another. THEY literally don't care if I live, or if I die. ALL they care about, is the "Cha-Ching"
I wonder how much of it the girls really get anyways...and just where does the money go to? The porn part is not what's obscene...it's the MONEY they
charge--now THAT is what is obscene.
I just KNOW I'm giving money to Columbian cartels, and/or, the Russian mafia at the very least. I am 100% the same as the idiot morons, who line up
to buy drugs and cocaine. Who knows WHERE or WHO I'm sending MY money to.
How many of these women are slaves?
Just how much am I contributing to the modern slave trade?
What's next? Sex Tourism? Really?
Stupid f#^king american. I return a shovel at the store, because it's made in China, but send over a grand into worldwide organized crime? STOP IT!
I should be FIGHTING the slave trade, NOT supporting it!!!
And HOW am I being a man, or contributing to my family by shoveling all my money into this? STOP it NOW!
SAVE MY money. Build wealth. Be financially SOBER.
NOW...And from now on.
My sister is dying. I MUST show up SOBER, and with THIS WELL behind me. The "little bit of the hair of the dog" DOES NOT apply here.
My sister is dying. We are moving down that road. Time to FACE it NOW. Face it.
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TimM
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| posted on 31-7-10 at 01:09 PM |
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| Quote: | | I say
"SEDUCTION is the most sincere form of flattery." |
Really? Sincere? You think they're being
sincere? Really?
Just offering a gentle voice of reality, though of course that voice doesn't help us a bit when we're in the bubble.
Tim M.
"We try, and we try, and we fail; and then we go deeper." -Suzuki Roshi
"In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion." -Machig Labdrön
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 31-7-10 at 01:34 PM |
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Brad, going down on yourself won't get you far.
Do you know how many times I screamed at myself "I have to stop!!!!!" -? So many times
It didn't help. Nor will punching yourself in the face or punishing yourself.
Just try to be nice to yourself. You can. You deserve it. I really think so! You have good, caring feelings inside you, as we can see with what you
write about your sister. I guess you don't know how to bring them out.
Well, again, self hatred is not the way. Cheer up, we're with you. We'll support you.
Porn is boring.
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Hadinuff
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| posted on 31-7-10 at 01:36 PM |
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And yes, you do exaggerate, all the time.
Porn is boring.
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Brad
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| posted on 31-7-10 at 01:39 PM |
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| Quote: | Originally posted by TimM
| Quote: | | I say
"SEDUCTION is the most sincere form of flattery." |
Really? Sincere? You think they're being
sincere? Really?
Just offering a gentle voice of reality, though of course that voice doesn't help us a bit when we're in the bubble.
Tim M. |
They pretty sincerely want you to click that button, and pretty sincerely want you to stay on and spend money, at least.
And, some amount of them do it for the combined purpose of yes, making money, but also getting off.
And something to bear in mind, is that much of the time, the performer in the porn is some kind of addict as well. That is something that can be
used as a deterrent from porn.
In fact, I would go so far as to say that to somehow be active in helping women, in any appropriate capacity, could be a strong component in the
battle towards sobriety. ...a making amends of sort...a real introduction to reality....and a pathway to growth.
Thanks for your input. ..And, sound DOES travel through a bubble. It's just a matter of choosing to heed it. With the regular porn, I was at the
point to be able, most of the time, to get myself to shut it down, get up, and walk away from it. I learned to say to myself, "know what?...there's
always more where this came from...always more porn. There will be plenty of porn for me if I want it later...all the porn in the world....I won't
run out. ...and it worked.
This on the other hand...different when actually conversing with another person...and that person happens to be a gorgeous, seductive woman. I've
apologized, and backed out a couple of times, but it wasn't very easy. And the after effects are a lot harder to deal with.
And the funny thing is...I got into the chat thing to break out of the solitude of regular porn. Well....that worked fairly successfully, but it's
created it's own problem. I just thought that "Financial Reason"
would be a lot stronger than it has been.
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Brad
Member
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| posted on 31-7-10 at 02:27 PM |
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| Quote: | Originally posted by Hadinuff
Brad, going down on yourself won't get you far.
Do you know how many times I screamed at myself "I have to stop!!!!!" -? So many times
It didn't help. Nor will punching yourself in the face or punishing yourself.
Just try to be nice to yourself. You can. You deserve it. I really think so! You have good, caring feelings inside you, as we can see with what you
write about your sister. I guess you don't know how to bring them out.
Well, again, self hatred is not the way. Cheer up, we're with you. We'll support you. |
Hello Hadinuff.
I don't think I'm really all that hard on myself. I believe that we should be firm with ourselves, but after a certain point, it becomes
counterproductive. I try to maintain a sense of humor, which I think is sometimes missed by others.
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Brad
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| posted on 31-7-10 at 02:28 PM |
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| Quote: | Originally posted by Hadinuff
And yes, you do exaggerate, all the time. |
I would be happy if I was able to comprehend your observation.
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Brad
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| posted on 1-8-10 at 05:28 AM |
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Much better day. I actually refrained from using. Got stuff done...was actually focused at work for the first time in over a month. Played my
"Brass Psychologist"...my trumpet. Much more focused on taking care of myself, and my finances, despite a few moments of doubt. Did a brief workout
(as they usually are..better short than none). I DID go to the chat site...didn't log in...just checked out a few ladies briefly. It was "nice...but
you know what? THIS is ALWAYS going to be here. I am ALWAYS going to have to deal with this...so better just LEARN to deal with it now...." so I
shut it off. And now I'm going to sleep, "perchance to dream".
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Brad
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| posted on 2-8-10 at 11:10 AM |
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Yesterday, I went back to the webcam site. I didn't log on, I just poked around there as an outside observer. Most of the time they will completely
ignore you if your not logged on, and you cannot post comments, only read them.
I was just really taken on how redundant it all is...and how shallow...and how lame. Each girl pretends to be typing...a lot more than they actually
are--apparently to make them look busy, and so if you want some of her time, you'd better hurry up and click on the button.
They all say the same thing, "Hi bb. hru?.....Pvt?"
And all the guys say the same things, "Hey bb...you look hot!"
I won't go into too much detail, but I was just left wondering if I really posted the same kind of utterly lame comments as these guys were, and did I
really fall for the vapid, shallow, pedestrian come on that these girls were pitching?
I mean, wow. I really can do better than that. I'm made of better stuff than that.
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Brad
Member
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| posted on 3-8-10 at 01:38 AM |
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Yeah....I guess I DO post those kinds of utterly lame comments. I dosed again today.
I've got $16.00 left in my checking account.
...STILL, I'm cruising. Maybe I'll turn to crime next to pay for my habit.
This is by far the worse I've ever been.
Still, I've a small amount of fight in me. I downloaded a portion of Joe Zychik's book, "The Most Personal Addiction".
What he says seems to resonate with me. I want to read as much as I can, and I'm pretty sure he is one of the two counselors I want to call.
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Brad
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| posted on 3-8-10 at 02:02 AM |
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Dammit. I have potential to be at least somewhat better than I am. I can do better than this.
...I can do better than this.
Less Porn, More Horn! (trumpet!)
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ShadowSelf
Banned
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| posted on 3-8-10 at 02:43 AM |
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Hey Brad,
I've been following your journal for a few days. I haven't said anything just because I'm not sure what I could add to your other responses. One thing
has caught my eye, though. Your post about the "higher power" was interesting to me because of my similar experiences with churches (I'm assuming
you're talking about the teachings of your church).
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I have struggled with being ashamed of my sexuality for as long as I can remember. Between my mother and the narrow minded, hypocritical church I was
attending, I would put a pile of horse shit before God. I think I turned to hating God and women as my solution. Seriously hating. Seething hate
dripping from my very heart. I am so filled with so much hatred currently, that I have little control over my actions when I explode and let it out.
Just read about my current episode and you'll see what I mean.
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After all the hate I embedded in myself from those teachings because I could not erase my belief that God was there. I've spent so long with hate that
I feel like I will have to carve it out of me with a knife.
After all this time, I pick up the Bible and it says nothing that I was taught. I have read so much that is pro sex that I feel like I've been
completely lied to. God doesn't teach that sex is dirty, that is all man. No where in the Bible does it say that you must only have sex in missionary
style in the dark and never speak of the act. I have actually been quite pleased with what it really says.
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I'm really not trying to be preachy. I have just had some awful experiences with religious folk lying to me about what is okay and what is not and I
know how hard it is to have those teachings embedded in there. For all I know, you aren't even talking about Christianity. But since you've been
slightly vague, I decided to type this out. Even if it isn't for you, someone else may need to read it.
----------------------------------------------------
Considerately
Venomous voice, Tempts me
Drains me, Bleeds me
Leaves me cracked and empty
Drags me down like some sweet gravity
-Tool
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