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Brad
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![[*]](./images/engage/default_icon.gif) posted on 3-8-10 at 03:15 AM |
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Damn. I just did it again. Now I have like $3.00 left in my checking account. I honest to god cannot stop myself.
I swear, I wish there was some kind of mental hospital that I could check myself into, let them lock me up, and dope me, just for a few days, just to
break this cycle.
Since that's not going to happen, I need to maybe take this computer to work, and lock it in a cabinet. It would probably be funner to just throw it
out the window on the freeway, but I'd never hear the end of it.
I need to go running, or biking or something, when I get locked into the "internet feedback loop". That's where it starts, just the plain old
internet.
I could go live with my father in the desert, but he's got computers, and he's a big porn-head too, as far as I know.
Once, I was sitting in a nudie bar (not that I really do nudie bars...not enough isolation), and porn was playing, and he walked in. I tried running
out, but he saw me running anyways. Still don't know if he recognized me.
And then there's the time I paid a visit, and he had a lesbian tape, and he was doin' it when I knocked.
Past couple of years, I've been getting more and more suicidal. If that's what it takes to stop the addiction. At least I'd have SOME kind of
control over myself. That would be a victory. I'd do it if it wasn't for my mom. The way things have been, as soon as she's buried and things are
taken care of, I plan to commit suicide....that, or just wander off, and be homeless, until that kills me. That's the plan anyways....just disappear.
Sounds good to me.
That's if I can't get help, and or help myself. It could be that it turns out totally different.
Less Porn, More Horn! (trumpet!)
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Brad
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| posted on 3-8-10 at 04:42 AM |
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| Quote: | Originally posted by Tecato Gusano
Brad - funny you should mention that ... I have literally smashed two computers ... not in a fit of rage but rid my life of the portal to my addiction
... obviously didn't work ... turns out there are porn shops, hookers, strip clubs, computers at work and other computers to buy out there ... who
would have thunk it ... just highlighted the fact that I was addicted.
Anyway, I don't write this in the belief you were really thinking this was a solution for you or you were actually contemplating it ... just thought
it was funny ... kind of funny for me to recall it.
Thanks and keep coming back ... we all know there is a lot coming at you right now ... if you want it bad enough the proper path for you will show
itself soon enough ... as long as you keep searching.
New and struggling ... take it for what it is worth.
Thanks. |
Oh hey, just noticed this.
Yeah, I'm aware that smashing it wouldn't solve my problem, but it would sure be fun, and it would carry some degree of empowerment with it. And at
least it wouldn't be piped right into my bedroom.
Porn shops....spent a lot of time there...gets pretty creepy with all the gay action there, plus always paranoid about cops making raids.
Hookers....Never been able to do hookers. Too afraid of getting busted/disease/etc. ..plus, to shy. I think I'm the only guy in the world that could
blow it with prostitutes. Once, a crack[Censored] approached me at a gas station. That lasted all of five minutes. It just wasn't right. I
terminated the rendezvous, just let her keep the
$10.00
Strip Clubs....Not my thing.
Computers at work......Ho-ho-ho....NE-VER! I may be stupid, but I'm not an idiot. My (former) neighbor got himself canned from a GREAT job doing
that...he worked at a SCHOOL. Not on my worst day.
Computers to buy? Meh....not really.
So, yeah....it felt really good when the last one died. Really good.
Thanks for the reply.
Less Porn, More Horn! (trumpet!)
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Brad
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| posted on 3-8-10 at 04:54 AM |
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| Quote: | Originally posted by ShadowSelf
Hey Brad,
I've been following your journal for a few days. I haven't said anything just because I'm not sure what I could add to your other responses. One thing
has caught my eye, though. Your post about the "higher power" was interesting to me because of my similar experiences with churches (I'm assuming
you're talking about the teachings of your church).
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I have struggled with being ashamed of my sexuality for as long as I can remember. Between my mother and the narrow minded, hypocritical church I was
attending, I would put a pile of horse shit before God. I think I turned to hating God and women as my solution. Seriously hating. Seething hate
dripping from my very heart. I am so filled with so much hatred currently, that I have little control over my actions when I explode and let it out.
Just read about my current episode and you'll see what I mean.
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After all the hate I embedded in myself from those teachings because I could not erase my belief that God was there. I've spent so long with hate that
I feel like I will have to carve it out of me with a knife.
After all this time, I pick up the Bible and it says nothing that I was taught. I have read so much that is pro sex that I feel like I've been
completely lied to. God doesn't teach that sex is dirty, that is all man. No where in the Bible does it say that you must only have sex in missionary
style in the dark and never speak of the act. I have actually been quite pleased with what it really says.
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I'm really not trying to be preachy. I have just had some awful experiences with religious folk lying to me about what is okay and what is not and I
know how hard it is to have those teachings embedded in there. For all I know, you aren't even talking about Christianity. But since you've been
slightly vague, I decided to type this out. Even if it isn't for you, someone else may need to read it. |
Thanks for the input. It's just really, really complicated...so much so, that it's really kept me away from counseling. I come from a (Christian)
faith that's sort of like a cross between Jewish, and Amish. It's just very...different. I'm limited to the number of girls I can marry, and
marriage is pushed very strongly, so I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker, under a microscope. The last time I was trying to date a girl, EVERYBODY
knew about it. After that, I got very angry, and haven't been going. And to leave and find a girl in the real world...that would be so difficult,
that it would be unfair to the girl.
So, I've been stuck all this time.
And also, the frustration with God has been his apparent complete unwillingness, or inability to help me overcome porn.
Less Porn, More Horn! (trumpet!)
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ShadowSelf
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| posted on 3-8-10 at 06:23 AM |
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I understand. Do you feel that you have to be under that same faith? You obviously don't care for it, so do you not change because your family
wouldn't tolerate that?
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My family is Baptist, and I really don't care for their take on some of the Bible. I don't do the "denominations" thing. I do the "Bible" thing, which
some religions refuse to do.
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Do you think that the religion aspect has made this worse on you than it would be otherwise? Sometimes I feel that a view being forced on someone from
a young age can do a lot of damage. You already said that you have trouble seeing normal girls as sexual beings, so maybe you feel porn is the only
outlet for sexual feelings? The limited marriage thing also sounds like something that could be troublesome to a person developing a healthy view of
sexuality.
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Sorry. Thinking out loud.
----------------------------------------------------
Considerately
Venomous voice, Tempts me
Drains me, Bleeds me
Leaves me cracked and empty
Drags me down like some sweet gravity
-Tool
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TimM
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| posted on 3-8-10 at 09:03 AM |
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| Quote: | | I swear,
I wish there was some kind of mental hospital that I could check myself into, let them lock me up, and dope me, just for a few days, just to break
this cycle. |
Well, there isn't that exactly, but there are rehab centers that treat sexual addiction and
dependency. Like any other sort of rehab, one doesn't come out cured, but one comes out with a bunch of new tools and having done some very hard and
important work, and, of course, one doesn't have access to one's drug while in the center. I haven't done this myself, but I know a number of people
who have started their recovery in this way and who seem to have benefited a great deal from the experience. Of course, it's not cheap - thousands of
US$ for a week of 8-5 outpatient work, and tens of thousands for several months inpatient, but insurance may well cover most of it, and if the
alternative is suicide . . .
Just making sure you know that option's there.
Suicide is, of course, a big cause of death among addicts. Craig Nakken insightfully describes the suicide of an addict as really an act of homicide
directed at the addictive side of ourselves. We so much will the destruction of one side of ourselves that we become willing to cause its death even
if all of us dies as a result. This really connects for me.
If Nakken is right, then suicide is in some sense the ultimate step in the path of dividing ourselves and battling against ourselves for domination.
That's a part of why the path of, as the program slogan says, surrendering to win and of seeking to be one being seems to me personally to be the way
to go.
Just a couple of thoughts, of course.
Tim M.
"We try, and we try, and we fail; and then we go deeper." -Suzuki Roshi
"In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion." -Machig Labdrön
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Brad
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| posted on 3-8-10 at 10:13 PM |
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| Quote: | Originally posted by TimM
| Quote: | | I swear,
I wish there was some kind of mental hospital that I could check myself into, let them lock me up, and dope me, just for a few days, just to break
this cycle. |
Well, there isn't that exactly, but there are rehab centers that treat sexual addiction and
dependency. Like any other sort of rehab, one doesn't come out cured, but one comes out with a bunch of new tools and having done some very hard and
important work, and, of course, one doesn't have access to one's drug while in the center. I haven't done this myself, but I know a number of people
who have started their recovery in this way and who seem to have benefited a great deal from the experience. Of course, it's not cheap - thousands of
US$ for a week of 8-5 outpatient work, and tens of thousands for several months inpatient, but insurance may well cover most of it, and if the
alternative is suicide . . .
Just making sure you know that option's there.
Suicide is, of course, a big cause of death among addicts. Craig Nakken insightfully describes the suicide of an addict as really an act of homicide
directed at the addictive side of ourselves. We so much will the destruction of one side of ourselves that we become willing to cause its death even
if all of us dies as a result. This really connects for me.
If Nakken is right, then suicide is in some sense the ultimate step in the path of dividing ourselves and battling against ourselves for domination.
That's a part of why the path of, as the program slogan says, surrendering to win and of seeking to be one being seems to me personally to be the way
to go.
Just a couple of thoughts, of course.
Tim M. |
Yes, I'm certain there are places like that. Not only can I not afford them, I blew the money I was going to use to sign up for medical insurance on
sex chats. Plus, the insurance I would have been able to afford would never go for that.
...I wonder...a frontal lobotomy would probably be a lot cheaper, and a LOT more effective. I wonder if I can go to Mexico, and get a cheap one
there.
..Suicide....in the end, it's just not very elegant. It's just not really my style. But I see your point. Truth is, I got into this particular
phase, because I decided it was time to grow beyond the isolation of regular porn. I just can't take the passive photo or movie, I needed to have
some interaction with living, breathing women. Yes it's foolish, and misguided, but it's a good sign in the end. I just need to make the steps of
regaining what little money I had, and beginning a journey of real-life, real women/healthy dating.
The hangup I have with that, is how to do it; a) Without getting obsessed, or otherwise over-involved with the first girl who says yes, and/or
b) dating without ending up where I hurt the girl's feelings, when I only wanted A date or two (hey, it happened a couple of years ago). It's
like, no one I talk to about it, seems to have a good answer.
Anyways. Feeling healthier today. Feeling more focused on positive things. Maybe someone was praying for me, maybe talking about stuff here helped,
and maybe it all just got worked out. Or maybe it's the book I'm reading. I sure hope yesterday was the bottom. I'm sure I'll be acting out again,
self medicating. But I'll sure try to do it in a more prudent way. Today, I can see a glimpse of a healthier me...sure couldn't yesterday. Thanks
for everyone's input.
Less Porn, More Horn! (trumpet!)
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Brad
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| posted on 3-8-10 at 10:25 PM |
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| Quote: | Originally posted by ShadowSelf
I understand. Do you feel that you have to be under that same faith? You obviously don't care for it, so do you not change because your family
wouldn't tolerate that?
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My family is Baptist, and I really don't care for their take on some of the Bible. I don't do the "denominations" thing. I do the "Bible" thing, which
some religions refuse to do.
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Do you think that the religion aspect has made this worse on you than it would be otherwise? Sometimes I feel that a view being forced on someone from
a young age can do a lot of damage. You already said that you have trouble seeing normal girls as sexual beings, so maybe you feel porn is the only
outlet for sexual feelings? The limited marriage thing also sounds like something that could be troublesome to a person developing a healthy view of
sexuality.
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Sorry. Thinking out loud. |
Thank you for thinking out loud.
Actually, I don't hate it at all. I'm just frustrated by it. I've been to just about every kind of church I can think of, and there's something not
totally biblical about every one of them. So I just believe what I believe, and damn what everyone else thinks.
It's so much more than beliefs, it's what I am, and who I am. I can go elsewhere, but I'll never truly at home. Plus the girls are quite pretty.
Less Porn, More Horn! (trumpet!)
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ShadowSelf
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| posted on 4-8-10 at 12:24 PM |
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| Quote: | I've
been to just about every kind of church I can think of, and there's something not totally biblical about every one of them. So I just believe what I
believe, and damn what everyone else thinks.
It's so much more than beliefs, it's what I am, and who I am. I can go elsewhere, but I'll never truly at home. Plus the girls are quite pretty.
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I agree 100%. I've never handled any church well either, but I read the bible with no problems at all.
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I've never spend a dime on pornography before. I never had the means to do so, and even if I did, I'm so cheap I don't think I would ever do it more
than once. Why is it that you spend money on porn? Is it just that the type of porn you like (I believe you said video chats) costs money, or is
spending money on porn part of your addiction? I've noticed some people on here seem to have the money thing attached.
----------------------------------------------------
Considerately
Venomous voice, Tempts me
Drains me, Bleeds me
Leaves me cracked and empty
Drags me down like some sweet gravity
-Tool
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Brad
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| posted on 4-8-10 at 03:35 PM |
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Yeah, being cheap is usually a good thing. Just a few months ago, I wouldn't have spent a dime on that either. I've bought porn so many times
before, but that was long ago, before so much free stuff was posted online. I have been frequenting a free porn site, which had a link to this video
chat site. I went there out of curiosity, but there's these women there that really know how to pull the suckers like me in. And yes, though I was
pretty frugal just recently,
there was a component of spending the money as part of the addiction.
I really hope I've learned from this, because it's a REALLY expensive lesson.
It's like, everything involving this porn chat thing is the exact opposite of what should be to attract a real life woman.
First, I'm there in the first place, instead of spending time with a real woman--Loserville.
Then, I'm PAYING a woman to talk to me....Loserville.
Then, I'm piling on compliments in such a way that totally degrades myself.
Compliments are good once in a while, and done rightly...compliments to appease and please a woman.....Loserville.
Then, I'm just leering at a woman in a way that just makes me a complete drooling pervert that NO real woman would EVER talk to....Loserville.
Part of the reason for porn...and for video chat, at least for me is to reinforce my sense of sexuality. No one wants to feel like a celibate
monk....not me anyways. And none of the porn/chat thing authentically serves to do that.
Seems like it does...but that's delusion.
There's ways to feel sexual, and increase one's sexuality, and sex appeal, like...
Getting things DONE.
The big 3... 1. Place to live. 2. Employment. 4. Transportation
Exercise. Feeling good, looking good.
Taking care of oneself.
Friends, hobbies, etc
Being able to talk and relate to women.
Working everyday towards being appealing to women.
There's so much more to feeling and being sexual, than taking the shortcut.
Less Porn, More Horn! (trumpet!)
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Brad
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| posted on 5-8-10 at 02:09 AM |
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Just....dealing with the apparently imminent death of my sister...now without porn. Really feeling the grief, but making myself face it sober. It's
a harsh cup to drink from.
My bank account got hit with a barrage of overdraft fees, from all the latter porn chat charges, coming in at once. Last time I checked, I was about
$236.00 in the negative. I guess my method was the "crash the plane to stop the highjackers" method.
It's going to take the rest of the year to recover.
....(evil grin)....whatever it takes.
But....in the face of that pain...instead of laying around, self-medicating, in the time I would usually waste doing that, I went and saw my sister.
Then I went and practiced my trumpet for a few hours....a brass horn....what a wonderful addiction.
My sister's got a tube going through her nose, somewhere down her throat. They are pumping green crap out of her. She has to stay like that, all
night, so she needed a late night visit.
I'm beginning to get a glimpse of what I can be if I can get free.
I just...haven't been able to see that me...for I don't know how long.
Less Porn, More Horn! (trumpet!)
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MrBadger
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| posted on 5-8-10 at 08:28 AM |
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You have a lot to deal with. My sympathies to you and your sister. We are here and you will be sent others to support you as well. Look for them.
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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Brad
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| posted on 6-8-10 at 12:40 AM |
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Thank you Mr. Badger.
Felt good today. Felt like I was a normal, non-addicted person.
It felt good. It felt productive.
Felt tempted in the evening. Then I had some of those whole body spasms. I hope those go away.
I still don't want to be a day counter.
I think I will count my days as "1"......"1"......"1".
It will always be "1".
Today is all that counts. Just this one day. I just don't care about the others. Can't do a thing about yesterday, and we're not promised
tomorrow.
I don't care about sin. I don't care about impressing anybody.
I don't care about "Achieving Sobriety."
I just care that I felt good today. Tomorrow will be today then.
I hope to want to feel good then....but don't care right now.
So much fun to write stuff that barely makes sense.
Less Porn, More Horn! (trumpet!)
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Brad
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| posted on 6-8-10 at 12:47 AM |
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Haha...after posting my last entry, I saw a story about Tiger Woods, tanking his game at a tournament. I don't care that much about golf, or Tiger,
but I found this analogy regarding this particular tournament, to be most helpful...
"Put it this way: You can go on some dates here or there, but you always know the girl you have your eyes set on. "
So yeah. It's all about dating different girls and eventually, you stick with the one you really want.
I'll keep that in mind.
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Brad
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| posted on 6-8-10 at 11:25 AM |
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Feeling more like looking at porn....or maybe I should say that I feel my sex drive coming back. And now I have to learn how to deal with the sex
drive in some appropriate way. ...Not sure just what that is.
I mean, I'm supposed to go find sex from a woman....even if that were to somehow suddenly happen, then what? I'm supposed to get attached to
her?....NOT get attached to her? When you haven't had sex since the 80's, you're going to get attached to the first one you find--That's IF you're
even capable of it.
See. It's just complicated beyond any understanding. I can't even bring myself to so much as call a girl to go get some coffee, let alone actually
go all the way to intimacy, and then deal with all the social and emotional aspects.
All of that is WAY over my head. How am I supposed to get there?
....Self control. Sexual Self Control. I think that's how I get there. I think that will give me the confidence that I need.
Can a person really go without release? Is such a thing even healthy?
I think it would be healthiest for me to have control over my sexuality. No one ever said this would be easy. But let's see if I can count one
day.
That's how I count, "1". "1". "1". "1".
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Brad
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| posted on 7-8-10 at 06:07 AM |
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Nope! Didn't count "1". Yes, I MASTURBATED TO PORN! I Didn't "MB" to "P"
I looked at pictures of naked ladies, and masturbated. And you know what?
I enjoyed it, and felt better after! Yes, I did!
Does that mean I intend to continue? No, it does not. But I DID want to take responsibility for my actions.
What's the difference? Not much, besides the fact, that this time, I was actually, legitimately HORNY....as opposed to ALL the times, I did it, just
to do it....just out of boredom, or to isolate, or to self-medicate.
And also, I didn't spend a dime. That's a big deal for me...though I'm paying the price very heavily financially.
Here's to me continuing in that confidence-bestowing sobriety. I really liked where I was going.
Well, worked all night, which is a victory, considering, I've been not into work. Felt like I got my workin' mojo back! Going to sleep now. G-nite!
Less Porn, More Horn! (trumpet!)
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Brad
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| posted on 7-8-10 at 11:45 AM |
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Paying so very dearly in bullcrap overdraft fees. My entire paycheck from last month is evaporating before my eyes, even though I deposited the check
last night. What an absolute FOOL I am. What an absolute destruction.
This must never happen again.
I haven't even calculated the true amount this binge has cost.
It might even be close to $2000.00, by the time the bank gets done with it's GD fees.
....I did it ALL to myself.
...Could've bought a LOT of groceries.
...A LOT of auto parts.
...A Lot of nice dates with a REAL woman.
...A trip to Norway, even.
Did I mention that I filed for Bankruptcy last year?
Was it due to porn?
Not all of it.
But maybe it WAS after all.
Maybe it was the porn that set the pattern.
I noticed how much more "together" I've been, that I'm for the most part, sober. (If there IS such a thing as being "mostly sober.")
I noticed how so many guys comment on how much more they get done, when sober, and how much more "together" they seem.
I got just a taste of that---being productive, and together---....I like it.
Gotta get MORE of it.
I'd get pissed at my bank, but this is all my fault, dammit.
Less Porn, More Horn! (trumpet!)
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Brad
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| posted on 8-8-10 at 06:57 PM |
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Bored. Lazy. Lazy & Bored. So lazy, I didn't even want to come here and post how lazy and bored I am. Blah.
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Brad
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| posted on 9-8-10 at 08:56 AM |
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1. Need to stfu regarding other people's struggles.
I'm struggling. I'm failing. I'm feeling hopeless.
I've been using...every day. Can't even manage a single day of sobriety.
Last night, I created an account for a kinky sex hookup site.
A few hours later, I closed the account.
Who am I kidding. Like I'm gonna go hook up with all these women. I'm not even a good sinner.
Feeling desperate. Feeling alone. Feeling hopeless. Feeling a failure. ...Feeling suicidal. I'd feel like hurting myself if I wasn't so lazy
and tired.
.......And now that I write that, I feel like a p****.
Geez man. Gotta find some way to be a man about all this.
I'd say that this is a low for me, but it's not. This is business as usual.
This is how I've lived my life, for as long as I could remember.
I don't know any different.
God help me. I don't know any difference.
Gonna go mow the lawn/weeds.
Less Porn, More Horn! (trumpet!)
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Brad
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| posted on 9-8-10 at 10:29 AM |
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Ok, I started reading the complimentary e-book "The Most Personal Addiction"
By Joe Zychik
I think I should be internalizing it, by taking notes on my journal.
I hope I can do it without plagiarizing it. But I need to do this, and I've been procrastinating. I'm on page 26. I'll have to start at the
beginning.
Geez, I hope I can have 1 day of sobriety today.
Come on.....ONE day. Lets do this. Just ONE day.
Joe Zychik overcame sex addiction in 1982.
He says anyone can overcome sex addiction.
It takes
1. Honesty
2. Hard Work
3. Excellent Advice.
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Brad
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| posted on 9-8-10 at 01:13 PM |
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There's some testimonial letters, which I think I will omit, or at least not comment on. Then there's an interview of sorts, in the form of questions
(which is what an interview is, duh). Though I know I'm addicted, and don't really need to identify that I am, I will just go along with it.
"1. Do you spend time with pornography and/or masturbation that could be spent with your partner? Yes No Sometimes"
Though I have no partner, I have to say yes, because if I was not hiding in porn and masturbation, I would more than likely have a partner.
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Brad
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| posted on 10-8-10 at 11:48 AM |
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Think I will seek sobriety elsewhere. It's been real.....bye.
Less Porn, More Horn! (trumpet!)
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TimM
Power Poster
Posts: 1882
Registered: 16-8-07
Location: Rural Midwest, USA
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| posted on 10-8-10 at 11:56 AM |
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Be well. I hope you find the peace you seek.
Tim M.
"We try, and we try, and we fail; and then we go deeper." -Suzuki Roshi
"In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion." -Machig Labdrön
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Brad
Member
Posts: 64
Registered: 21-7-10
Location: Los Angeles
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| posted on 11-8-10 at 02:10 PM |
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Thanks.
Less Porn, More Horn! (trumpet!)
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MrBadger
Power Poster
Posts: 956
Registered: 30-12-09
Location: Oregon
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| posted on 12-8-10 at 11:22 AM |
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Brad,
Good luck in your search. And we'll always be here, anxious to hear what you find. I know sometimes it is just not the right time. I went to my first
SA meeting in 1988 - and wasn't ready for another 22 years! I hope your journey is not as long and fruitless as mine was. But I, for one, am very
interested in what you find.
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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