Whyme
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![[*]](./images/engage/default_icon.gif) posted on 12-8-10 at 06:02 AM |
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PA JOURNAL
Hi journal,
This is my second day. I just wrote a long intro note and when I ran the check spelling I lost it. I will get back at it later. This is my first
entry.
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Whyme
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| posted on 12-8-10 at 06:21 AM |
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I got rid of my download on my PC. I still have a couple of cd and some very old pictures I will trash them today. As I deleting them I glanced
quickly at their icons, and watching the busty smiling faces I felt a physical wave going through me like something was taking possession of my mind
and my nervous system. Frightning, I never thought that it was a real addiction and kept on rationalizing that it was OK. Now I can feel it. It will
be a battle. I want to save my marriage and more importantly find the new me. I am actually tired of hiding and wasting time. Watching porn is boring
and a two dimensional activity. What am I going to do with all this time.
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Tayder
Spudmuffin
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Mood: Determined and Sober
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| posted on 12-8-10 at 08:27 AM |
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powerful stuff for sure! Good on you for deleting it all - that takes courage.
Clean since September 21, 2007
it's not porn that's the problem, it's me!
My goal is to be tofts happy ending!
When anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of SAA to always be there and for that, I am responsible.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 12-8-10 at 11:43 AM |
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Whyme,
Welcome! You are in good company. Most of us know that feeling of getting rid of your stash (often MANY times) and both the regret and fear - but also
the joy and euphoria that comes with "doing something" about it. It is a long journey, but we can travel together. Keep coming back!
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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Whyme
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| posted on 12-8-10 at 03:43 PM |
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Today was the 3rd day. I burned a stack of images, old good ones. I am feeling down and don't have any energy. Just want to sleep. I feel that I am
getting old. I am trying to justify why I am doing this. It is making me sad.  Looking for the newer world. I need some good reading to clarify things.
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Whyme
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| posted on 12-8-10 at 03:54 PM |
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My wife knows. She found my pg, and was really upset, felt betrayed. I told her about this site. Would she found me? At this point I am more upset
than her. But it may blow up anytime. We just move on with our life because we need to survive. At first I try to explain my situation. I told her
that most men do it. That it was part of being a man. That she could look into her own fantasy. Of course that didn't help at all. I knew that I
wanted out of it and I didn't know how. This event trigger enough to start a journal and shoot for the one month clean. Since then we are not talking
about "the problem". I told her that I will let her know when I need to talk or need support. In the meantime there is a canyon between us in the
middle of our bed.
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Whyme
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| posted on 13-8-10 at 02:46 PM |
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Day 4. I developed a new relationship with my computer. Still spending too much time on the internet. Still clean... I am blocking the hits. I feel
blocked by fear and by shame. I need to cheer up. It's not the end of the world.
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Whyme
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| posted on 16-8-10 at 12:53 PM |
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Must be day 8. Can I still have fantasies, without pictures or movies? Who am I? Not sure any more.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 16-8-10 at 11:15 PM |
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You can do anything you want. No one in recovery is going to be your boss. But I can share my own experience, which is that for me there is
very little difference between using porn directly and running the fantasies in my head. They both give me the "rush" that is the stuff of my
addiction - and lead to further, progressive acting out. So I can have fantasies, I just can't have them and have sobriety.
Oh, and I wanted to comment on the "not knowing who you are." Boy do I resonate with that! I've defined myself by my addiction and it is very scary to
find that without my addiction I'm not going to know who I am. But... maybe that's part of the "rebirth" process. We become new people, previously
unknown to us or others. That could be a good thing, a sign that things are changing.
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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Whyme
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| posted on 17-8-10 at 06:06 AM |
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Thank you for your comment and sharing your experience, mrbadger.
Today another clean day. Major fight with my wife about family matters. Maybe I drank too much wine last night. I feel like running and never looking
back.
I don't sit at the computer very long anymore seems it is back to being a business tool. Something is wrong.
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Whyme
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| posted on 19-8-10 at 05:11 AM |
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Day 10!
Yesterday I was very depressed. Ready to leave everything behind me and move out of my house and start traveling. My wife thinks that I am very sick.
She said that I am mean with her, but in reality I am just honest and for once telling her how I feel about what is going on in our life. She takes
the victim attitude and through at me the "you always" and the "you never". I feel corner and want to escape. Maybe something is wrong with me. In the
meantime I am still clean. I guess I may as well cut off my balls. When I thing that I have been using P since I was a child, and it was already a way
for me to feel better, and to get all is adrenaline and hormones kicking in. By now in my advanced age I must be in real withdraw. Hope that there are
some reward ahead.
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MrBadger
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| posted on 19-8-10 at 09:22 AM |
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There IS reward ahead. It feels bad while you're in it (see my journal for today!) but it isn't eternal. By the way, the radical methods you mentioned
would NOT solve the problem! There is no shortcut! (If you'll forgive the phrase.)
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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IM1969
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| posted on 19-8-10 at 09:50 AM |
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Hang in there Whyme! The good thing about being at rock bottom is that things often can't get worse.
I feel terrible when I think back to the past and the regret is huge but what can we do about that apart from aim to make up for it as much as we
can.
I am really interested in the tiredness aspect as so many people mention it in the journals. I slept for 9.5 hours last night and was still tired
today.
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Whyme
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| posted on 23-8-10 at 06:29 AM |
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Hi Monday.. it must be two clean weeks now. In the enthusiasm of trashing my p I forgot to empty my trash. Actually my wife mentioned it to me and I
didn't know that, first she checked my computer, and second that I forgot to empty the trash. So I just did it. No big deal. The big deal is that she
check my computer. I don't feel trusted and save in my relationship. We don't touch each other but we are still polite: good morning and good night.
Anyway I look forward to stay clean. However most of the time I don't know what to do with the extra free time. I have very low energy. I feel
isolate. At least once a day I get very depress and I have to get out and take a long walk to feel together again.
This morning I walk up from a set of erotic dreams. It was great but I had a painful hard on. It makes sense.
Stay the course...
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MrBadger
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| posted on 23-8-10 at 08:09 AM |
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Good work. And... I hesitate to say this but... Well, let me simply own my part. When it comes to porn I am not trustworthy! So maybe
we can forgive our wives for acknowledging the truth about us. 
Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world.
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Whyme
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| posted on 26-8-10 at 02:45 PM |
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This is the 19th day.
It wasn't so difficult. I guess the first shock was strong enough to create a major change. Physically I have been numbed. It is as if part of my
brain is in a vaccum. A few time I get a fantasy, or an image comes across my mind. Then a part of me reacts almost repulsively. After that I am left
with nothing no feelings of joy to have conquer my addiction, and no sadness of missing the stimmulus. I feel like my fuse is longer because I don't
react impulsively when something happens that I don't like or someone say something about me. It is as if I didn't care and that it is not worth my
time to argue and discuss things. I found myself reading more. My business is not doing very well and it is depressing. I don't feel the drive to
compete and to explore other option. I even think seriously about selling my business and look for something else to do. Why spent so much time with
an occupation that depress me and that is not paying off. One day at the time.
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Whyme
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| posted on 28-8-10 at 09:36 AM |
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Almost three weeks.
I hugged my wife and told her to come get a kiss from her p free husband. She congratulated me. The next day she wanted to have sex and I didn't know
what to do and explained that I was working on my addiction and that it was not very simple to explain how I was feeling about sex. She was concerned
and ask me how bad was my addiction. I couldn't really rate it. I started to look for excuses and felt that I was not really a P addict. But I am and
I want to change. I told my wife to research her side of the relationship.
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Whyme
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| posted on 31-8-10 at 06:44 AM |
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Only TWO weeks, but it feels like three! 16th days.
Many temptation in my dreams, when I am on the computer, when I look at woman. Sunday night I had a scary dream that I was skinned alive by hyenas,
over and over. I got up my eyes were tearing, went downstairs and started praying. I eventually quiet down. That morning I overslept. Many time
during the day I think of thing to write in this journal but then I forget them. On and all I don't feel too bad. I find a new balance and also
realized that process is something that not only I wanted to do along time ago and also that it will lead me to where I want to go. P and MB kept me
lockup on the same place and time. Although I function quiet well in life it was dragging an unnecessary weight. I couldn't conceive living without P,
and that MB was part of my normal hygienic habit. However I read many spiritual books and they all advice to stay away to MB. I thought that it was a
religious and conservative approach and that I was above and liberated from that. What I also realized is that part of my brain was blocked by P. Most
of my ideas, creativity, relationships and were being filtered by my obsession with P. Women were sex objects. I couldn't look at one without
evaluating the size of their breasts! A stripe shirt, the shadow under a breast was enough to shorten my breath and to get into an hypnotic state
where I was getting a rush. I decided that it was normal and that all men are like that and that I just liked woman in general. I knew that this focus
was not healthy but it felt so good and gave me a rush. I also knew that something was taking over my personality and that it was so distracting that
it could lead to a trouble world of confusion between reality and fantasy.
This morning I got a major temptation and I caught my self in time. I was searching for a movie on IMDB and a picture caught my attention and there I
was navigating and digging to get more of it. I felt a shift in me and that short breath again. Then I stopped, or a little voice make my fingers stop
clicking with out healthy goals, dragging me into the hole. I quickly opened my journal and here I am back. That was a close call. Thank you for
being there.
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Whyme
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| posted on 1-9-10 at 06:21 PM |
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18th day
Time is slowing down. I want to get out of my life. I don't trust myself and I don't trust people around me. I hate my present situation where I live,
what I do for a living. A year ago I moved to the country and I am a city boy. I missed the stimulation. THere are no jobs for me outhere. I started a
small business but there are not enough people to support it out here. The area is run down. This is where my wife comes from. We moved her because
she wanted to be closer to her family. I hate it... and since this all thing about P blow up in our face we are now enemy. She doesn't seems content
about me, and I am not either. Every thing she said seems to be a critic. I feel inadequate and afraid. I almost forget how to talk normally. I have
to get out of this place. I invested my time and money to try to survive in this economically run down area. What a waste. Sorry for being so mad, and
thanks for the bulletin board to let me vent.
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seeking_healing
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| posted on 1-9-10 at 06:42 PM |
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Hang in there! Sounds like there is a lot that is challenging for you right now and it's so easy to get dragged down into despair by these
situations. I know these kinds of words can only help so much if at all but try to remember that this will pass. You will not always feel so
resentful or hate the place where you are or have to struggle as hard as you are right now. You are on a journey and this is a dark leg of it where
you might feel like giving up but that's usually exactly when you're much closer than you realize to a breakthrough where you will find new strength
and new light. Hold on, brother. We are all with you.
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Whyme
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| posted on 10-9-10 at 12:15 PM |
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27 clean
Hell broke loose and I hit bottom 4 days ago. I panicked and start calling friend and dumping my stuff on them. Mainly issues with my job situation
and my relationship. I was in an impasse and ready to run. But time heals and tempers cool down. My "life coach" told me that it was fear based on
unsecurity. People like to feel safe. The lack of job the need to run add insecurity and insecurity becomes contagious, and eventually brings
arguments and anger. She said to make myself receptive and vulnerable. For some reason it clicked in me and I adopted a more calm resolution and
energy started flowing through me. Instead of anger shortening my breath and clocking my chest and giving palpitations; I started to feel lighter. By
the time my wife came home I was back into my self. It must have shown because she noticed right away a change and i noticed her reception. Thanks.
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