unengaged
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![[*]](./images/engage/default_icon.gif) posted on 9-9-10 at 01:30 PM |
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considering marriage again
so after discussing with you guys exactly what recovery is, i think third time of getting busted in a year was a charm. breaking off the wedding
really shook him up. he's doing so well and i'm really proud of him...we're going to counseling and i have secretly been checking up on him,
everything he's said has been checking out. he even told his mother everything (they're close, but she is very religious so it must have been
difficult), which i did not suggest or expect in any way. when friends have asked candidly about the wedding, he has told them directly that he broke
my trust and is trying to earn it back. it has only been a little over a month, but his attitude makes me think this is going to be a permanent
change. he doesn't try to excuse or defend anything that has happens, and seems as involved about how i am recovering from this and how he can gain
my trust back as he is about solving the pa.
it feels like we are back where i thought we were before i found out how bad his addiction was. i'm considering putting the wedding back on. the
date was for a year from this month, so i don't feel like we are really rushing things. my dealbreakers are still if he lies at all, stops working to
control this, or slips back into his addiction then i'm out with no chance of reconciliation.
i know we are not "fixed," but i think we are in a good place. and i know i have read posts about not 'ignoring alarm bells for wedding bells', and
that is sound advice, but i just really feel like we are back on track. also, the more posts i read about pa's being unapologetic or unfeeling,
demanding trust that they haven't earned, etc, i recognize those behaviors from the last time 6 months or so ago when he was busted. i see that he
hadn't really accepted this and seen it for the beast it was. this time was completely different. i haven't seen any of those things. i guess that
was the answer i was looking for earlier about the difference between sobriety and recovery.
i would really like to hear what you guys' experiences have been, and just your general thoughts on the subject...?
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KLG
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| posted on 9-9-10 at 09:04 PM |
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My experience? My experience was that I was involved with a PA, he became physical and I had a hell of a time getting him out of my life. If I had
it to do over with, I would not have allowed him in my life if I had known in advance of his addiction and I had found this website and read the
horror stories of women in relationships with PA's. That's just my experience though.
So, what if your SO DOING about his addiction? Is he going to counselling? Do you have some sort of device installed on the computers which monitors
the websites visited?
My general thoughts on the subject, which you asked for, are for the most part that you are more concerned about having a wedding than you are about
having a suitable wedding partner. I realize that is rather rude and crudely written but you asked what my general thoughts were about the subject
and I see no need to sugar coat it since you've brought the subject up in the past. I do, however, wish you the best of luck in your endeavor. I
truly hope that your marriage turns out to be all that you ever wished for.
Peace and serenity, Kathy
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princess
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Mood: Ever changing 
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| posted on 9-9-10 at 09:42 PM |
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Hi unengaged.
My first question would be this. What is he actively doing to recover? Is he attending meetings, seeing a therapist, doing workshops etc? Without this
he is like a dry drunk. He's white knuckling and it is inevitable that he will break down and turn back to porn because he hasn't learnt coping
strategies for when life gets tough.
If he isn't doing these things I would not marry him. It is your decision after all, but I wish I could turn back the clock. If I had have known about
my H's PA and known what was needed for his recovery, I would have demanded that before walking down the aisle. If I could go back and talk to myself
I would say "run". Don't get me wrong, I love my H and I wouldn't have my two gorgeous kids without him, but it has been a shit-full roller coaster
ride. If I could have avoided it I would have, but I didn't manage to. Now I'm thankful that I've learnt so much about myself, but it would have been
nicer to do that WITH my partner, not BECAUSE of my partner.
He's doing all the right things and we are now pretty happy, but keep in mind that it has taken both of us a hell of a lot of work to get to this
point and that if neither of you are willing to do that then you aren't giving your relationship the best chance you can.
You don't have to agree, I just had to tell you what I wish someone had have told me.
take care hun
xxx
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NAO
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| posted on 10-9-10 at 01:01 AM |
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Hi unengaged
I can only speak for me but I would want to let go of that particular wedding. It's an emotionally significant day, one of a lifetime, it deserves
your full respect.
Whatever you decide about marriage in the long run I'd make a clean break from that day and all arrangements already made. It's a pain in the ass,
illogical, unreasonable and probably costly so it makes good sense to me!
with respect
NAO
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Tree
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| posted on 10-9-10 at 02:38 AM |
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Hello Unengaged, and congratulations that you are healing, and your fiancé is moving forward in recovery. Is it enough to take up marriage plans
again? Only you can decide that. I used to be very free with advice when I started posting hear, giving young girls like you the benefit of my
pearls of wisdom. I have since learnt that I dont know nearly enough to make recommendations about people's lives, and I also have learnt that
people dont really take the advice they are given, unless it coincides with what they are seeking. You need to make your own decision. Bear in mind
that the pa element is often only the symptom of something with a deep root. Personality components such as anger, loneliness, emotional
immaturity, low self esteem and (as Princess points out) no coping strategies are long-term issues. Recovery is very wonderful, it can really be a
whole new life for him, and it can be wonderful for you both. The road is long, and one month is like six inches.
Now what about yourself? When we enter into marriage we also need to feel comfortable with ourselves, with a good self-esteem and able to offer a
partner a healthy and balanced relationship. I m with Kathy. Why do you put so much emphasis on the wedding? Nowadays marriage is no longer the
socially-necessary contract that it was. In fact no one gets married any longer, in particular if there is a very real question over the
advisability of it. How old are you? More than 35? Sometimes people see marriage as a door to a new future, when in reality it can lock them in.
We need to seek our own fulfillment first.
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unengaged
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| posted on 10-9-10 at 12:55 PM |
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i guess i should have been more specific on his recovery. he found a counselor himself a month ago, and then asked me to join him after the first few
sessions. he asked me to find a good nanny blocker to install so he would not even be tempted, and would have no access as i would have the password
(i went with k9, so i can also see attempts made in private browsing, etc. he is unaware that it also tracks history). yahoo would not allow us to
delete his old account that was constantly being contacted by these sites, so we blocked that too. he gave me his passwords to everything as well.
he is still actively searching for a good SA group, but so far the only groups in the area are run by orthodox religious groups (i've looked for SA
partner groups as well, he's being truthful). we are not religious so these would not be as helpful for us.
i should also post some background on me i suppose, so my reasons are more clear. i am a very self-reliant tomboy (i was a state wrestling champion
back in high school if that helps to explain the extent of that  ) and don't
care about the pomp of most weddings. i have a strong personality and a healthy self-esteem, i know if this were to fall through tomorrow that i
would be just fine in the long run. my parents are hippies so there is no pressure to not be "living in sin" or anything. i don't like stereotypes
but this is the simplest way i can describe it. as i mentioned we are not religious so there's no internal pressure with that either. we were going
to have a small, funky, comic book themed thing in the park that was mostly put together and catered by friends. they are also aware of his PA and
our recovery processes so there's not any pressure to keep the date or anything there either. the marriage and life-long commitment are the issue and
not the wedding.
the reason i see him as a capable partner again is because i have seen a complete 180 in him that has never happened the few times he was "busted"
months before. he had followed the same pattern i see posts about on here constantly--demanding trust when he knew he was lying, making excuses,
blaming me for wanting to talk about it the times it escalated into a fight, being distant and ignoring my thoughts and feelings on things or
disregarding them, etc. so we avoided it. the difference this time with him follows the same track as a lot of you guys' Hs did when they really
decided to pull themselves out of this--he hit rock bottom. he was losing everything over his PA and was finally forced to look at himself and his
actions. a big shocker for him also was when he told his mother what was going on and she told him that was a factor in his parent's divorce as well.
his biological dad is estranged, he abandoned the kids not long after the divorce and is currently hustling in the streets and living out of his car
halfway around the country. he is terrified of "becoming his father" and that really shook him up that his PA was something they shared. the
counselor is helping a lot, he is ex-military and my PA responds well to that as ex-army himself (being isolated in iraq multiple tours and becoming
fixated on the computer in lieu of relationships is what spring-boarded this). he is open and honest about his addiction now, and has done everything
he can to completely remove P's influence from our house. the majority of his time outside of that is spent at the firefighting academy, which does
not even have computers. we are both consistently talking about how we are doing with this individually, he listens and responds to my concerns
compassionately and honestly. earlier times it would even just be me angrily venting, and it still wouldn't turn into an argument. we would talk it
through as long as i needed (there were a lot of all nighters in the first few weeks). he no longer gets defensive, as he says his "past actions are
indefensible." he is humbled and apologetic after fully examining this and realizing how deep he was. i actually trust him now, although i do check
up on him it is mostly to show myself that he really is telling the truth, it is getting fewer and farther between that i even feel the need to. the
nanny blocker is more for him to keep the temptation out of the house than for me.
i just feel that he really has kicked it, and done a good job of proving it. he has even become a more supportive and loving partner just by having
to be introspective into himself and us through his recovery process. we are in a good place and he is continuing to prove to me daily that he is
worthy of my love and trust. however, as tree said, i know it is early and (as nao suggested) we have considered moving the date back to be positive
that this actually is in the past. my main concern is that we both want children in the future, but we do not want (and i refuse to) have P or PA be
a part of their lives. my PA saw the effects of this in his parents and it was devastating to him and his sisters. i think this is a big reason why
he is working so hard to conquer this now, because he just connected that a lot of his parent's turmoil was actually linked to his biological father's
PA.
i hope this has clarified some things, and i guess i would like to go back to what tree asked; is his recovery enough to seriously consider a
life-long commitment from him? now that everyone has all the facts, what are you ladies' thoughts?
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unengaged
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| posted on 10-9-10 at 01:02 PM |
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oh and in response to the age question, he is 28 and i am 26. we have both lived pretty long lives for our ages but i realize we are not the wizened
experts on life we think we are sometimes  this is why i am consulting the
voices of experience on this
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