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| posted on 8-1-12 at 08:51 PM
husband is a pron addict.
hello, this is my first time posting on here.
my name is rochell and i have been married to my husband for 3 years.
a few months after i had met my husband my parents went through a nasty divorce.
my father had left my mother after 25 years of marriage for a new woman and admitted to my mother he had addictions to porn, had cheated over 30 time,
and had long term relationship with women whilst he was married to her.
after seeing first hand what my mother went though i now have some pretty strong views on porn addictions and cheating ect.
my husband truly seemed to be the "opposite" of my father which drew me closer to him.
We got married and a month after being married he started acting very strange, i didn't think much of it as our wedding was very stressful, our sex
life wasn't like other newlyweds and i put it down to the fact that the wedding was stressful and he had started a new job.
it started getting very weird when he would refuse to have sex with me i demanded to know what was going on and he broke down and explained he was
very addicted to porn and he felt as though he had cheated on me by watching it so frequently (3-4 times a day)
I use to just be in the mentality that "every guy watches porn" but after what happened with my parents i seen porn as a "getaway" for cheating which
was something i swore to my self i would try my hardest not to be a victim of.
also seeing how upset he was at the fact he was watching porn made me feel even more uneasy as it was like he was telling me he had cheated which made
me feel worse.
I told him i could no longer be with him as i was afraid of what this might do to our marriage in the long run, i still stayed in our house with him
as he seemed quite upset and i didn't want to leave him by him self, i also wanted to avoid other peoples thoughts.
2 weeks had passed and i hadn't talk to him and i slept in another room, i would come home from work and fine flowers ect of him telling me he was
sorry, that he would never do it again ect.
I was on antidepressants at the time and felt as though they weren't working and seen my dr who told me i was 4 weeks pregnant.
my husband was very excited and we talked for hours and he said this was more of a reason never to go back to porn.
i believed him and took him back.
towards the end of my pregnancy i decided to do a history check on the computer and sure enough, pron sites, online conversations and emails from
other "pron lovers"
i didn't tell him i had seen his history i just asked him if he had been watching porn again and he admitted after me asking him for hours to tell me
i was extremely upset, i didn't even think of leaving him that time, i was 8 months pregnant, on bed rest, wasn't working and felt trapped, and though
to my self that maybe after the birth of our baby he would change.
when our daughter was about 3 months old i did another history check and found the history was cleared which told me straight away something was up.
i checked his emails and credit card history, and was just full of pron.
this time i confronted him that i had checked the emails and credit cards etc and i just got the same thing from him that he was going to stop this
our daughter is now 1 and i know he is still looking at it, but he denies it fully, i have gotten to the point now where i have just given up, let him
be and accepted the fact i cant trust him.
i have suspicions that its not just porn any more and that he is living his fantasies if you want to put it that way.
its not so much my heart that im worried about getting broken any more its my daughters. i know what i went though with my parents and the last thing
on earth i want is for my daughter to go though the same feelings.
as for my husband there is no trust any more and i feel as though im sitting around just waiting for him to do what my dad did to my mother.
my daughter loves her dad and he is an amazing father.
i love my husband, but i do not trust him in any way.
i don't know if anything more can be done for him. he has been to councilling before which obviously hasn't helped him, he has also been on retreats
for porn and sex addiction, along with healing rooms and church.
i really want to help him stop and the last thing i was is for my lack of support to tear our family apart.
I don't know where i went wrong and why i have ended up with someone who seems to be turning into my dad as the days go by.
i just want to know if there is anything i can do for him or is it just time for me and my daughter to leave before things get worse and hearts really
do get broken.
im sorry for the long post i just really needed to get some of this off my chest.
thanks in advance, Rochell.
Location: North Carolina
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grateful for what I've learned
| posted on 9-1-12 at 11:52 AM
I am so sorry you find yourself here but I'm really glad you posted. It's a slow time on the boards for Partners right now, but other Partners will
be a long soon I hope to share their thoughts and experiences with you. For now, if I were you, I would keep reading on the boards - alot of wisdom
of what has worked - and what has NOT worked for both addicts in recovery and Partners is here in these past threads.
Is there any kind of 12 step meeting for Partners of PAs in your city ?
You could google S-Anon or CoSa meetings in your area and see if you come up with anything. These groups have been very healing and helpful to me
in terms of support and wisdom from others in similiar situations.
To answer your question "is there anything I can do for him"...... well , No there isnt. He has to want to do this for himself and he has to
absolutely Dive fully into every recovery resource available to him for it to even have a chance of success. To me, Initially what a really active
recovery looks like is going to multiple SA or SAA meetings a week, finding a sponsor for oneself and beginning to work the steps. Also reading as
much literature on the topic as one can. We have a good reading list on this site, many of the books can be purchased used on Amazon for quite
cheap. Perhaps an agreement that he will not clear his computer history or even a break from computer use (if this is an option). Many couples
agree on a period of abstinence at the start of recovery to give the addict's mind time to clear the images that are likely to pop up when engaging in
sex with his partner. This period can be anywhere from one month to 6 months or longer. In my relationship we agreed upon 6 months and I am
really glad we had this time away from sex which allowed us to become more emotionally intimate than we ever were before. Individual therapy for the
addict with a CSAT and couples therapy as well are another tool for success.
If you have the resources or support to take your child and go elsewhere for awhile to give him time to figure out what he wants and what he stands to
lose that is an option as well. I warn against threatening to leave though..... unless you have a plan in place and are absolutely ready to carry
through with it. Empty threats do nothing but give more power to the addiction. Trust me on this. We see it time and time again here. "If he
lies one more time, I'm leaving !" And then they dont. And the addiction realizes who has the power and the cycle starts again.
Keep posting and hang in there. You sound like a very smart, clear headed woman and you will figure out which is the best course of action for
yourself and your daughter. Please know that You have friends and support here at PAI.
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| posted on 9-1-12 at 10:21 PM
My wife and I have been married for 4 years, and she has had to go through a good part of what you did. I am now in recovery and have been clean for
months. Tanya is right; pretty much the only thing you can do for your husband is telling him about this site and have him consider that he may be an
addict. How does he react when you were confronting him about his pn use? Did he ever consider how it made you feel? How it is not really something
that "all guys do"? Do you feel that he is in denial of his apparent addiction i.e. his inability to stop?
You said in your post that you love him, yet that you cannot trust him.
Can there be Love without trust?
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sometimes wobbly, sometimes stable
| posted on 15-1-12 at 01:04 PM
Hi Rochell, I can relate to your current situation as I have a three year old daughter with a PA.
I would recommend you to seek recovery for yourself and stop focusing on your husband's non-recovery. To keep focusing on him when you clearly can't
trust him will only bring you down, and like Tanya writes there is really nothing you can do for him. All you can do is start to repair the damage he
has done to you, and see where that takes you.
I'm going through an online recovery program for partners of SAs that is free, haven't gotten very far yet but so far it's challenging which is
usually a good thing. I think I can make a better decision about my relationship, and be better equipped to handle the consequences if I put in the
time and effort to heal myself first this time. Seven years ago, I left my ex who was also a PA. I thought I did a lot of work on myself, but it
probably wasn't enough since I just went right ahead and fell for the next PA who had me fooled for another six years .
The fact that your father is a PA/SA/LA may play a role. Even if you didn't know what he was doing as a child, I think we can pick up on vibes and
attitudes that our parents try very hard to conceal. Or you were just unlucky. In any case, you now have a child of your own, and she could be
affected negatively by her father's problem if he continues down this road. Unfortunately it is up to us as the non-addict parent to make up for their
negative influence. I know it sucks, but the reality of it is we don't have control and we can't make our partners recover. If they don't, it means
pain in some form for us and our children. Divorce will be painful, but so will staying. So all we can do is choose what we think will be least
damaging in the long run. And I really think we can make that judgment so much better if we heal ourselves first.
Talk is cheap.